Looking better today

Went to my favorite meeting tonight. It was a little crazy, but I left feeling much better. I am thinking of going back to school. Why not? I cannot pull off this stay at home thing forever. Not sure what direction to go in, but it is wide open for me. Andy will be very supportive no matter what I do. I think it is time!

I went for coffee with a friend tonight after the meeting, and it felt good to feel normal again. The break from Andy and the kids was needed. It lets me explore myself and what I need to do to make "me" happy. I can't wait for them to wake up in the morning. I am truly looking forward to hugging and kissing them. We plan to go for breakfast and then to the mall. The weather for tomorrow looks to be amazing and that will surely put me in a great mood. I am probably not going to get a run in because I wasted my sitter on the meeting tonight, but hopefully I can get in a really great run on Monday morning. It is suppose to be beautiful.

I am so thankful for my babysitter, the meeting, those crazy kids, Andy's camping trip, Goldfish and Starbucks. Here's to a great night and hopefully more to come.

Stuck on repeat

I feel like such a failure. Things were going so well and I don't have or need an excuse to drink. To be honest, I just like it. I have an evil mind which leads me to thinking about drinking at every second. I planned to drink yesterday. Andy left to go camping and I started and didn't stop until I went to bed. The worst part is I feel fine today and could and may drink again. I arranged for a babysitter tonight so I could go to a meeting (my favorite one), but now I feel like such a failure that I think I might just stay here and do it again.

Things are not so fabulous around here lately. I am trying to "create my own happiness", but I can't seem to get out of my head. OK so I think I will go tonight. It can't hurt and staying here will only make it worse. I need to step out of my thinking and on to a different path. Working here in 24/7 is getting to me. Maybe just a night out. Blah blah blah. Trust me I have heard it all before, too. I replay the same track in my head on a weekly basis.

Mothers are not supposed to be drunk at school functions, I do know this. How can I stop. I think I need to see a psychiatrist and get some true help. I cannot do this alone. I am so very fucked up. Step one.

Grateful for my babysitter, the kids being so wonderful lately, Andy having fun with the boys, the beautiful weather, and things going smoothly last night.

A moment of peace

Feeling pretty darn good today. It is nice to feel at peace, at least for the moment. Jack has a friend over and they are running and playing and laughing. How I love that sound!!! Not much on our agenda today, so I don't feel stressed in anyway. (Wow!!)

Amy and I had a great run this morning and the kids got off without too much grief. Well, at least one of them didn't give me too much trouble. That Emma gives me a run almost every day. I feel like such an evil mommy when we are yelling at each other at 7:10am, but when she gets home I will give her a big hug and kiss and let her know how much she means to me. I promise.

Went to a women's meeting last night. It feels good to identify with people in similar situations. I met someone who could write my story. It is amazing how alcohol can affect us in the same the way. She kept stressing that I needed to figure out what happens to me when I drink. I think what she was trying to say was I needed to see that it is not normal to think and dream about drinking or drinking more. I am not sure she was convinced I had a problem, but I know I do. Most people (non alcoholics) do not think about drinking almost every second of everyday. They don't wake up and assess the day to see when or where they will get to drink; they don't know how many liquor stores they pass on all of their road trip; they don't pray that they can make it through the day, and hope to get to sleep soon to end that particular day.

That being said I will take today as it comes and not worry because today there is nothing I can't handle on my own (without a drink).

"Life" was on last night...Yeah!!! Not so much Zen last night which was a disappointment. I think that adds to the show and makes us think more about what we can do to make ourselves truly at peace. Maybe next week.

Thankful for my solid night of sleep, LIFE, good friends, crazy kids, Andy (I could not ask for more support), and this moment of peace.

PAWS

So, I finally read it and WOW, does it describe all that I battle everyday. Apparently I am not the only one!!! What really made me stop and think was the lack of commitment to AA, a sponsor, and to myself. Am I ready? Actually, I think I am. Andy left again today (only for the day), and I found myself mapping out a plan to get to the store before I even went to sleep last night. I had Jack with me all day, so it would have been hard to do. I went out three times to pick up something to drink, but each time I pull up to the liquor store I stop and thought about it in the parking lot. I did not go in, and I am now thinking that the people working in those three separate stores were probably thinking I was going to rob them. If they only knew.

It is now 6 o'clock and I have not had anything to drink. I am home free!!!!!! Andy will be back in a few hours and I will be going to bed soon enough. I should be at a meeting tonight, but it was not feasible for me to do so. Tomorrow.

Had a great run this morning. We (Amy and I) have increased out speed and it feels so very good to be back to my normal speed after fracturing my foot. I hope to never do that again. I would like to run another marathon in the spring, but it is so hard to train then. The weather does not seem to cooperate in March and April when I would need to put in some long runs. We'll see.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I will get back the feeling I had last week. It felt great to be happy again, it has been so long. The emotional roller coaster sucks and I know what it feels like to be happy ALL THE TIME. I should be, because the life I lead is cake.

I think I need to rename this blog "My temporary life", because I know that this is not it. Is it because I am not completely happy and wanting more. Or do I want something entirely different. I am starting to hallucinate as I type. For two days now I have felt like I have been listing to the left side. Only I can understand this. I must go the screen keeps moving on me.

Grateful for everyone who understands, the Big Book, canvas sneakers, Jack being with me today (and everyday for that matter), our upcoming Disney trip (everyone is buzzing around here) and apple picking...we're going again tomorrow.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My goal for tomorrow will be not to yell. I have already screamed and yelled today, so I think tomorrow is a good day to start. They are just being kids, after all, right? Sounds good and I will let you know how well that goes.

Today started out surprisingly well, but something happened around 3pm. I don't know what or how, but I began to feel blue again. A little manic, wouldn't you say? It was beyond my control and I think maybe I just need more water. It also may be because I know the kids have a half day tomorrow and I truly need them to be in school until 2:40. I function better with that routine. I do not have a type A personality, but this is the only thing I need not to change from week to week. I earned those hours. There were many days when I did not leave the house (when they were little) and took care of only them and Andy, not Johna.

Not sure if I will hit a meeting tonight, although I know I should probably go. There isn't a specific Thursday meeting that I have found that I like. Maybe I should try a new one. I don't know. It gets dark so early and sometimes it is nice to cozy down on the couch in sweats and veg in front of the TV. Speaking of, I think I found my new favorite show..."Life". There is just something about the lead character that I love. So much so he was in one of my dreams.

Today I am grateful for being sober, coffee, the car being covered (partially) under warranty, my school duties taken care of until after our vacation, great friends, and those crazy kids.

The missing sock

What a fabulous day!!!!!! It all started last night when I went to a meeting and heard some heartfelt stories and inspiring wisdom. Five minutes before the meeting ended it was my turn to share. I started with the usual "I don't speak well, I turn red, and it will be short and probably not so sweet" I am not even sure what I said last night, but whatever it was caused people to laugh and joke with me after the meeting. I am starting to get it...the sense of unity and community. What great people!!!!!

I ran this morning with Amy and it was a great run, and I am sure she would agree. We finished in record time and pushed each other all the way. It is nice to run with someone a few mornings a week; we get to talk and laugh.

Jack and I went shopping today at The Gap. My only complaint about today is when I bought a pair of pants that were size 6 (did not try them on), only to get home and find out I need a size four. Good Lord, I am not a size four. Where are all the truly size 2 people buying their clothes now. Do they have to shop in the kids' section? This vanity sizing has to GO!

While on the phone with my BBF Kate I was folding laundry (big surprise), and could not find my new running sock that I had just purchased two days ago. My day has been going so well, and I knew that the sock would not have ruined that, but it would bother me until I found it. Needless to say it was sitting on the kitchen floor, where it had fallen from the basket. I am still on top of the world. (I honestly think I would still be, sock or no sock)

I must go Jack is chasing the cat with a very large plastic, roaring dinosaur. Poor kitty.

Grateful for TODAY, my higher power (which hasn't knocked on my door yet, but I know it's out there somewhere), my sweet, sweet children, the empty hamper, coffee, coffee, coffee, and the ability to breathe, eat, sleep, and DREAM

Friday!!!

So, I typed that last one yesterday and apparently it was a very bad day for me. It is amazing what a difference a day can make. Today I woke up as stressed as I was the night before, but now I feel 100% better. I managed to accomplish a bunch of stuff that has been on my plate for a while and it has lifted my spirits.

I was worried because yesterday was such a bitch and that in the shower this morning I was thinking it would be the perfect day to stay home and hide, that I would make the trip to the liquor store this a.m. I passed one after my coffee date with my neighbor, but did not stop. Oh how I wanted to. I know that I need to feel my best tomorrow. I am taking our whole Brownie troop for an all day camping trip, and being drunk or hung over would probably be bad. It is all about the kids. I know I have to stay sober for them.

I try not to think so much about not being able to handle or even just face the day, but more about what needs to be achieved that day. By doing this I am able to achieve the one thing I truly want...not drinking!!!!

I haven't been to a meeting in forever. Our lives have been extremely hectic lately. It is all about the kids...as it should be. I use that phrase frequently, and for good reason. It is true. We do everything for them. I wish for them a life better than mine and so I try my best to give it to them. Lately I have gone mental!!!!! More like insane.

As I mentioned tomorrow will be an all day experience, and I will not be able to smoke. I think if I can make it through that tomorrow will be the day to quit. If not, I will roll up ten cigarettes and smoke them all together when I get home tomorrow night. I might need it. Some of those girl scout people are too much. They are the nicest, kindest, gentlest people on earth, but they take it way too seriously. Sometimes I just want to suggest some makeup or a haircut from this decade. I know it is harsh, and I am sure they are at peace with themselves, unlike someone I know. Maybe I should try to let myself go, forgo the makeup and brush, dig out my clothes from high school, and then I, too, will love myself and have time to love and care for others. Just a thought.

Today I am grateful for Friday, September 28th, and the fact that it is not yesterday, the wind, Cheez its, my husband who did not deserve to be yelled at this morning, my three beautiful children, Starbucks, our health and happiness (may it be coming back)

Not feeling up to it

Something has come over me...I am sad, blue, some might say depressed. Even the act of typing randomly on this blog has me stressed and strained. I have been running and eating well, sleeping and drinking lots of water, brushing and flossing, but I cannot seem to get back to where I want to be. Where is that? Who knows?

Set back

It has been a few days but today is a good one. Over the weekend we decided to have some of the neighbors over to hang out and play cards on the deck one last time this summer. I was convinced I could handle it because everyone was drinking beer. I can usually pass that up, so I thought it would be OK until...my neighbor showed up with a bottle of vodka. As you guessed, that was it for me. I drank half the bottle before I could no long stand up straight and speak clearly. The next morning I learned that I did not remember much of the night before. Shit!!! We took the rest of the bottle back over to our neighbors, because it was already calling my name about the time I was sobering up (11am). Set back, again shit!!!

The next night we went to a bar for comedy show and I DID NOT DRINK. It felt great not to be hung on Sunday and I am very proud of myself. I was so angry about Friday night, but as far as Sat. goes...the bars, the friends, the drinks...I did it.

Andy left again, and this time I am not afraid. I know this time I can handle it. I have cut back on the smokes and hope to give that up all together. It has really affected my running and it is literally killing me. I will be lucky not to die from lung cancer.

So, all that being said, I am having a great day so far. The sun is shining and it is a perfect day. I am not hung over and don't want to be. I ran on my day off. My Brownie meeting has been planned. Jack has a sitter for the meeting. So far so good.

I will let you know how it all plays out. I think I will be busy enough to keep my head straight...if only for today.

Cheers!!!

More Apples up on top!!

Jack and I went apple picking again; we were running low. It was a beautiful day and we had a fabulous time. I am grateful for this day but still not sure why and how I can feel so bummed out. I realize life is not so bad and can't seem to cheer up. I would like to sleep for an extended period of time. Waking up this morning was tough but I did it. I ran with Amy, and like I said it is nice to talk to someone. It takes my mind off of my problems.

I think I am going to quit smoking this weekend and thinking of getting a job of some sort. I need some distraction. Something!!!!!

I realize now that I cannot kick this alcohol thing on my own and need to get a sponsor and lots of #s and friends to converse with. I need help. It has occupied 99 percent of my thoughts throughout the day and it sucks. I want it to stop. I don't care if I cannot and will not drink for the rest of my life. It is not worth it anyway. I need to go call someone....more later.

I made it!!!

Here it is Wednesday and I made it through without Andy. I haven't felt mentally stable in the past few days, and wondering if the alcohol has anything to do with it. I am feeling like I want to walk away. This time I want to walk and not run away. Walk out and back into my life. I know (or least I think I know) now that this is the only life I am going to get and am willing to deal. Outside influences aren't the issue in this life, it is I, that is the biggest problem. I feel as though I could go out for a jog and run forever. It helps to clear my head, but only for a few hours.

Andy and I are not on the same plane. Maybe this is because he cannot possibly understand where my head is. When talking about it or writing about it, it sounds ridiculous. It is time for a change...for the better, of course. I will do my best today to not drink, stay level headed, get my work done, and remember that my life is cake compared to most!!!!! The more I dwell on it the more apt I am to say f**k it! So, a will practice a positive attitude today.

I am need of a meeting, and hope to get there tonight, but life has been so busy lately.

Grateful for the promise of a beautiful day, coffee, all the stuff that has to been accomplished today (to keep me busy), our health, and their happiness (if only their mother and wife wasn't so f**cked up)

Scared to death

Andy just left for who knows where and I am alone for over 24 hours without the ability to go to a meeting. I want a drink in the worst way and am truly wondering if I can handle it. I know, I know call someone. I should and maybe I will. It is a beautiful day and all I can think about is how I am going to get to the liquor store with my kids around. Some days they are the only thing that saves me from drinking. This is not going to be easy. I have a billion things I can do, but my thoughts keep coming back to the drink!!!!!! Make it go away.

How am I expected to watch football without a beer? I suppose if I don't turn it on, it would be easy. They are calling my name.

I should call around and get a sitter so I can go to a meeting tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

The meeting which I love was not so fabulous last night. There were too many people and I felt feverish. I could not wait to get out for some fresh air. My head was pounding and I felt like shit. I bugged out before the closing, because I did not want to hold any one's hand and spread my disease. I wish it would have been a better experience for me, and maybe I would not feel so tempted today.

Wish me luck.. I have to go watch the kids put on a play. It is always a good laugh.

No title today

It is raining again....aaaaaahhhhhhh. This did not stop me from running and now I am soaking wet. It still felt good. I woke up feeling a little ill. We have some sort of virus running through our house and this is the second time it has hit me. I am sure the cigs aren't helping matters. I think I am close to quitting those evil things. Soon I will be living on Cheez its, coffee and water (Oh yah, whipped cream, too).

I look forward to getting out today. Andy has taken Anna to her soccer game and said because he was going away tomorrow he needed to spend time with them. I said, "Yes you do, and I will make sure of it!" He said that sounded like a punishment. I said it was more like a privilege. Regardless of how you read that, I plan to bug out this afternoon and let him have some quality time with them. I plan to shop or something along those lines. Tonight's meeting is my favorite and I can't wait to go. I won't be able to get to one until Tues or Weds so I definitely need to go tonight.

Today is a new day and despite the doom and gloom of the gray skies, I hope to make the best of it. Grateful for my beautiful kids, their very clean bedroom, football, waking up sober, badminton (we had some good laughs yesterday), and the rain, I guess...because with out it...blah,blah,blah, (maybe not)

Cheers!!!!!!

It is candy corn season

For those of you that know me, you already know how I classify my seasons. There is necco candy heart season, peeps season, candy corn season, and candy cane season (this one also includes cookie icing and all the sprinkles and such you decorate with). Well, once again the stores are stocking candy corn, and it happens to be one of my favorite foods. BUT....believe it or not I have given up sugar. I use to be a sugar addict. I would eat bags of candy on a daily basis (twizzlers, gummy bears, good and plenty, bottle caps...I could go on forever). I don't like or eat chocolate, just sugar and artificial colors apparently. Before summer I decided to cut back and limit myself to eating sugar only on Friday. Every Friday I woke up and ate almost the whole jar of Fluff and never stopped until I went to bed. (I tried to only drink on Friday seeing as though there is a lot of sugar in alcohol and margarita mix, but that lasted all of one week.) I feel better not eating any sugar. I used to feel like shit the next day and had a sugar hangover, if not a real hangover.

Apple picking was great. I had such a stomach ache by the time we came home. You have to test the apples y'know. The kids had fun and now we have copious amounts of apples sitting in our kitchen. We will go to the orchard probably 3 or 4 more times this season and repeat the same process. I love it.

Went to a meeting last night. I feel so bad when they ask me to speak and I can't get my thoughts together. Last night's topic was day by day and some tips and inspirations for a newcomer. When asked to speak, I said I was new myself and was still listening and learning. What I should have said was how sometimes the only thing that keeps from drinking is the meeting I plan to attend that night, and how I feel a sense of relief after I get there and how I sometimes day by day doesn't work for me, but moment by moment does!!!!

I am loving all of your comments and suggestions, and no, I do not have a sponsor yet. I plan to talk to a few more people at the meeting on Saturday. I love this meeting. It is a great blend of people and there is some great sobriety there along with some rookies, like me. But because of all your great advice I am able to think this through moment by moment and see things from different prospectives.

At the moment I am grateful for not needing a drink, my crazy kids, my loving husband, the numbers one through ten (I have had to count them to myself many times over the past few days), fresh air, my fabulous neighborhood (still missing you, Kate), and apples, apples, apples.


Cheers to margarita Friday and candy corn somewhere else!!!!!!!

Ten apples up on top

Today hasn't even started and I know it will be a great one. (Hoping that statement doesn't come to bite me on the ass later.) The kids are home from school and our plan is to go apple picking. I love apple picking...the smell of the orchard, the sunshine, the smiles on the kids' faces. We don't actually do anything with the apples, except eat them. We talk about baking great things every year, but when it comes down to it, I am not domestic in anyway. So, we eat them, all of them!!! We get so sick of apples by October, but it is the best feeling to pick them fresh off the trees. I can't wait.

I found a new running partner this morning. It is nice to talk to someone else while I run. She asked me why I chew gum all the time and I think she was hinting that she knew I smoked. I think she was wanting me to reply with I am trying to quit. She is one of moms at Jack's nursery school and she is pretty straight laced. I also think she knows I have a problem with alcohol. I am sure she smelled it on me last year when I picked up Jack. Also, I made some comment about not being at the picnic last year, because I was at the bar. She did not find it funny. She rolled her eyes and said, "Wherever you were." Jack went with one of my friends and I can't remember where I was. I think either Anna or Emma had something going on. Regardless, I was probably drunk by the end of the day. Sounds ridiculous now...kind of sad, wouldn't you say?

I honestly thought it was OK to drink all day long. Why not? I had nothing better to do and it helps me get things done without thinking about them. It is funny how after reading the BB and others how I realized the life I have been living is not normal. Every time I drank in a social situation I drank until I could drink no more. I thought everyone blacked out. I truly did not think I was any different. Looking back now I see I have had a problem for longer than I thought. I could try to blame it on something else...my mother or my father's death, but I think it is a lack of self respect. Alcoholism is in my family. My sister is an alcoholic, but I am not sure if she recognizes it. I think she thinks the same way I did...that it is completely normal to drink like a fish. Everybody's doing it, right. Well Kath, get a clue. It is not normal and I am glad I figured it out now and not ten years from now. A lot can change in ten years and by being sober I know it might be good, bad or ugly, but at least I have positive control and will not go down with the ship unknowingly.

At the moment I am grateful for being sober and not hungover, apple picking, the sunshine, my new running buddy, still being able to run and smoke (although now I have a smoker's cough, I have to quit!!!), a good nights sleep, coffee, coffee, coffee.

Thanks again for all the comments!!!!!!

Good to be back

The past few days have been hell. I came the closest I ever have to a mental breakdown. On Monday I was physically shaking and pulling my hair. I wanted to run, and by run I mean run away. I was so very close to driving away in my minivan to who knows where? I was convinced this was not the life for me and I was going to find it somewhere else. If it were not for those two meetings I had to attend, I would have been at the bar and probably still be there now. After the girl scout meeting I came home, because without the van, the kids have no ride. Andy cheered me up, because he was working. For some reason when he works at home it turns me on.

Yesterday started out a little better, although I did try to drink. I poured myself a drink and before I could start, the cat spilled it all over the kitchen table. I took this as a sign and dumped out the bottle of rum and got on with my day. I had to take Anna to dance class, so it was probably a good thing.

But what a difference today...the kids were great this morning and Jack went for his first full day at preschool. During those hours I was able to help out at school and then go for a 6.5 mile run. Damn, that felt good. I was not able to run yesterday, because it was raining cats and dogs. I needed a good one and today was perfect!!!!!

Still have some residual feelings, but I am able to suppress them for the moment. And as I have learned, that is all I have right now.

Thankful for the sun (finally), my iPod, my new Chucks, health and happiness(?)

Thanks to everyone for your input and concern. You help in so many ways. Thanks again.

What is up with this?

Ok, shouldn't it be getting easier by now? I woke up and ran this morning and usually this makes me feel better. It is "my time" to clear my head and prepare for a brand new day. For some reason I could not shake any of the "bad thoughts" today. Last night was great and I was on such a perfect life high, but something happened?!?!?! The swarm of thoughts that convince me that I am not worthy of this life overwhelmed me and continue to do so. The shame and guilt of the person I have become are strangling the person I want and need to be. I need a drink today more so than any other day. Luckily I have a PTO meeting and a Girl Scout meeting to attend tonight, so this keeps me sober. If I am lucky I can hit a meeting after both of these and maybe end my night on a higher note.

Not sure how to handle the next few hours and thinking that this moment by moment thing is the way to go. Thank God for PTO and girl scouts!!!!!

Camping was a blast. I did not drink and only salivated a little when opening and closing the cooler, OK...a lot, OK...it bothered the hell out of me and I thought about pounding everyone of them more often than not. My fault...I was the dumbass who packed it. Live and learn. Other than my best friend calling to me from the cooler, the trip was great. It was so relaxing!!! We have never taken a trip with just the five of us before and we know we can and will do it more frequently. It is so nice to be on our own clock and not have to worry about making everyone happy. That is what Andy and I do best. We are too damn nice!

AT THE MOMENT I am grateful for GS, PTO, iTunes, making it till 5:29 without a drink, Jack's preschool class (it was great to talk to all the moms again and meet a few more faces), Monday night football, and the bed I will sleep in to finish this day.

Hope y'all had a great weekend!!!!!

Margarita Friday

So, the laundry wasn't so bad, and to my surprise, I managed to survive. Although sometimes I think all the odd socks are just waiting till their army is big enough for a take over. Where the hell are their mates?

Yesterday was a roller coaster for me. I started to post another entry, but deleted it. I could not get my thoughts together. My head was spinning and I was actually afraid of the things that were surfacing.

I started to write about how I felt like a was living a temporary life. A life that wasn't supposed to be mine and I was waiting for my real life to start. Sometimes it just doesn't seem genuine. It is a great life and I sure that some people would kill for such an uncomplicated and sedate life. I am not asking for something different; I am simply stating that it does not feel like mine. Maybe it is because I do not feel worthy. Maybe the life that has been planned for me in my mind is a really shitty one. That being said, the day took a 180 degree turn in late afternoon. The kids came home from school and usually this makes me want to drink. Just the opposite...all the neighborhood kids gathered in our yard to put on "show". They were playing music on their radio and singing along. The sun was out and it was the perfect temperature, the wind was blowing the most perfect breezes and it could not have been better. I sat on the deck and watched the kids. They did not know I was there. No one was fighting, no one was taking control, they were just getting along fabulously. It is still fresh in my mind and I hope I can keep it there forever. I wish everyone who is affected by these kids could have been there sitting secretly with me watching the perfect afternoon. These are the days I hope to remember forever.

We are going camping today and we are excited. I plan to pack some beer for Andy, but don't plan to drink. If I only pack a few, I know he will want to drink them, and a few is not enough for me(and let's be honest, we all know I prefer my Absolute or Ketel One). Everyone tells me that I should get rid of it (the beer), but it is my problem not his. He is supportive and doesn't drink, but he deserves it. Good for him and being able to handle his alcohol. I only wish I could be that strong. Someday??!!!!???!?!?!!?

Right now I am thankful for my washing machine (Jack wet his fucking bed again, aaaaahhhhh!), the fact that it is Friday and I am not scared to death to face the day...hey it is getting better, the cigarette I am about to smoke, my morning run, the beautiful morning, and our good health.

When typing my gratitude I accidentally typed my morning rum. Too funny!!!!! I laughed out loud!! Cheers to margarita Fridays somewhere else.

Where did the feeling go?

I can't seem to get motivated today. Yesterday was great and I felt fabulous (a word I use too frequently to describe everything), but today is not going so well. I heard it referred to as an emotional hangover. I put so much effort and invested so much thought into how great I felt that I am disappointed today isn't playing out the same. I suppose I should just let it ride and take it as it comes without applying expectations. Nothing disturbing has happened. I just don't feel as though it is worth the effort today. Without getting too deep and frightening everyone I am feeling as though I am not worthy and don't belong. Luckily I don't feel like drinking, OK maybe a little! If only I could find something that would put me out of my misery while I do all the f**king housework. That laundry totally stresses me out. I know it shouldn't!!! Good god it is only laundry. Some people wake up each day and have to go to work (AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, what a horrible word), and there are people out there with disabilities, diseases, and whatever else who would love for their only burden to be laundry. OK that puts in prospective!!!!!! My iPod and I will gladly put away the fucking laundry and get on with our day.

At this moment I am grateful for being sober and not waking up hung, my perfect children, the fact that I have laundry to put away, whipped cream, PBS, my neighbor, Denise, and of course, the sun!!

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy day!

A fresh start?

The bus came this morning to pick up the girls and already I feel as though things are falling back into place. It has been a devastating eight months and I hoping we will get back into our normal grove. Even though the new year starts in January, I am ready to make my new year start now in September. A routine will help us all around here.

We plan to go camping on Friday night and boat all day on Saturday. It is unfortunate that we did not think of this until now, but we should have fun. The kids are looking forward to getting away, and so am I. It will be nice to spend time with just us!!!

I don't feel as though I need a drink today, but wondering if my hangover is still too fresh in my mind. I did not leave my bed for most of the day on Monday, and am now convinced I was still drunk when I woke up to go grocery shopping at 8am that morning. I tried desperately to open my travel mug still full of Red Bull and vodka, and thank god it was too sticky to open. I would have gladly guzzled it if I was able.

The girls needed me to stay home last night (or so I like to think they did), so I did not go to a meeting. I hope to go tonight.

At my last meeting the topic was walking through fear, and after a few people shared one newcomer asked if all drinking was fear driven. In my opinion most alcoholics can probably trace their drinking back to some sort of fear. In my experience, I am afraid of life. I don't like to deal with it. I hear a lot that people don't like to feel. I just don't want to deal and as I have said before, when I drink I miss the big picture. Out of sight, out of mind. Right? Hopefully I can remember how good today feels without a drink and how shitty I felt on Monday, and keep truckin' through this thing called life. My kids deserve more than the mom they have. I will and can be a better person for me, for them, for Andy, for my friends. It has to happen. Just rambling on...

At the moment I am grateful for the sun, Emma for not putting up too much of a stink this morning, Anna for growing up to be such a beautiful young lady, Jack for running outside in his underwear (we all needed that this morning), not absolutely needing a drink, my friends for inviting me for coffee, and September.

Here's to a fresh start!!!!!!!

Cheers!

Continued......

It is amazing how one day can differ from the last. Things are going well and maybe it is because I have told myself that I don't care today. It is the last day before the big yellow liberator comes to pick up the girls. I still have Jack home for the next week, but he starts on the 10th(?). Wow, three hours three times a week. It will be lonely the first few days, but by October those three hours will fly.

I find that when I talk with Andy lately all I want to do is argue. We have never truly fought in our 10 plus years together and I am not sure where this is all stemming from. Can I truly be this irritable because I haven't had a drink? It doesn't make sense. The upstairs of our home stresses me out!!!!!!! We live like we are in college and our kids are slobs like us. I need to get over it, because we have been living like this for years and it bothers no one except me. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own four walls and come back to a clean organized upstairs. I was thinking I would buy some posters for the bedroom. Y'know some hot chicks for Andy and a couple bad 80's band posters. Why not? I might as well give in to the lifestyle.

All is well here, but I think I need some more sleep.

Thankful for the beautiful day and the people who seem to care. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

In the moment

Went to a meeting last night after a hellish weekend. (That is all I will say. The details make me want to throw up, again.) I finally got some numbers and chatted a little. Most AA people are so very sweet and kind and understanding. I made some comments to a few people about how the AA thing is asking a lot and that I have a party to go to on Friday. They did not get that it was a joke. You kind of had to be there. With that, one woman said you don't have to not drink forever just in this moment. But if I am always sober in the moment, won't I be sober forever. Is this it?

Not feeling up to typing this am, but maybe more later when I get more coffee in me.

Today I am grateful for advil, my ipod, the school bus (which comes tomorrow), the promise of a beautiful day, my husband for giving me the day off, those early rising kids, and football season.

Hope you all have a great day!!!!

Feeling a little selfish

Today has been the hardest day, so far. I am in such a funk that I am not sure what will cure it. As much as I would like a drink, I know I cannot show up at the meeting tonight tanked and the hangover would suck. On the other hand, I do not have anything to do for the rest of the weekend and a V and T would taste so very good right now. I have been living minute to minute today. Yesterday was great. I did not feel any pressure to drink and we have such a great time. We decided not to go to dinner and get back earlier so my mother in law could go home. Everything felt so peaceful yesterday, and I felt like it was the calm before the storm. Maybe today the storm rolled in? I woke with a headache, which kind of pissed me off. If I wanted to feel like shit, I would have been drinking all day!! It didn't stop me from running this morning, but I had to take some meds to get rid of it. I think I need more water.

OMG do I want a drink. Andy is working all day and this does not help matters. I need him here on weekends to level my week off. Although the kids do not need constant attention, I feel like I need some me time away from the house. I know we went out for the day yesterday sans kids, but I need to bug out!!!!!

In reading the Big Book today I realized that this AA thing is kind of like being a girl scout. You just need to do the right thing and stop being so goddamn selfish. I feel like I am constantly thinking of me, me, me. I think about how much I want...time alone, a drink, a vacation. I could go on and on forever about the things that I want. What truly needs to happen is that I need to focus on the other people in my life and their wants and needs. Like I said before I need to work on selflessness.

Today I took the kids for a bike ride, which was OK. By the time we got home, I needed and smoked a well deserved cigarette. It was a good one. There are a billion things I could do around here today, but I am not motivated to do any of them. Feeling a little useless (LAZY)!

Ok today the gratitude list will be hard...although it shouldn't be.

*the turtle we saw on our bike ride
*the meeting I plan to attend
*the promise of football starting next week
*my family
*sweatpants
*ending August on a very good note
*health
*happiness
*the dunkin donuts I will hit before the meeting

How could I forget my gratitude list? Today I am grateful for the track, dunkin donuts, the promise of school starting (bringing schedules back into our lives), the kids, of course, and mother in law.

Cheers!

TGIF?

Here it is, Friday again and once again I am scared and worried that I cannot handle it. We are going out with some friends and it is expected that we will all drink. Lately I have told myself that I will be alright and not "I hope" or "I think I will be OK". Waking up with a positive attitude and not questioning the day has helped. But seeing as though it is Friday again, I find myself wondering if I will take the first drink.



On the way home from the meeting last night I heard the Nickleback song "Figured you out", and the line about the lack of self respect really hit home for me. Is this why I self destruct so often. I do lack self respect. I truly do not love myself in anyway and am hard pressed to find one positive thing about myself.



Well enough about ho hum me...I read in the paper this morning that a New York couple won the lottery for a second time. In the article it did not say anything about their lives with or without money, but you have to wonder. Is money the root of all evil. They won their first jackpot in 1996 and appear to be still married and happy (from what I gather from the picture). They also said that this time around the money is going to buy them health and longevity...huh? If this is all it takes then I need to get a job...and fast!!!!



Have a great Friday everyone and thanks again for all your comments and advice. I.F.of Bill I read your blog and took note of the sidebar. It has helped. You're the best.

Little Voices

Y'know those voices I have mentioned... the ones that tell me it is OK to have just one drink and everything will be alright. I managed to suppress them for two days now and as a result I heard other voices. I heard them all. The people in my life talking to me, the kids laughing and playing, the nagging voice of my mother. They were clear and unfiltered. It was a great feeling. When I am drinking I only hear what I want to hear and I miss most of what is happening around me. Without a drink I can sense what is happening in my life without being told or having it right in front of my face.
I survived a trip to my hometown without a drink...that is just shy of a miracle. My mother asked me at every turn if I wanted a drink and I simply said, "No, thank you," and walked away QUICKLY. Telling my family about all of this would only make it worse. If you knew them, you too would understand and agree. I survived!!!!
Today has been great so far. I forced myself to get out of bed and run, and now I am drinking my first cup of coffee (still missing you, Kate). The list of things to do has been made and hopefully I will accomplish at least half of it. No pressure today. I plan to take it easy and enjoy one of the last beautiful days of summer.
At the moment I am grateful for the perfect day, the fact that I am home, my breakfast of champions (minus the screwdriver), my sleepy kids, the ability to chain smoke and run everyday (although if I could just quit my time may improve???), health and happiness.

I hope you all can say the same. Cheers!

20/20

Let me tell you a little about my husband...He is one of the most supportive people in my life. usually he has more faith in me than I do. I did end up drinking way too much yesterday. It was a blur by the end of the party and I am paying for it with my headache, lack of an a.m. run and the fact I have to drive two and half hours to my parents house with my kids in the car. I derserve to be hung and I am truly thankful that it is just a headache and nothing else. I did sober up, after I told my husband how lit I was, and got my ass to a meeting. If only I went to a morning meeting, this may have been avoided (no one will ever know)!
Back to my husband...When mentioning gratitude, I never include him, but he show take the top slot everytime. First of all without him I would not have those three beautiful children in my living room. Yes, I may have three different children, but they would not have those beautiful brown eyes and the same charming personalities. They are unique to us. Ours and no one could have done it better. Secondly, he has never judged me. I am sure I have passed judgement on him before although, while recognizing my own faults and weakness, I am less likely to judge others. Sometimes I wonder how Andy can live without any addictions and always in moderation. Is it possible? He makes it look easy. I am sure I have enough destructive behaviors for the both of us. I believe I am with him for a reason...If we were similiar in these ways our children would be SOL. I love him for loving me like every husband should love his wife. Even though I do not always have a smile for him, I know I can come home to him and feel like that's where I belong.
I suppose I will start again. And I was doing well. My neighbor pointed out that my parents and family were not worth picking up the first drink. She is right. Could she have made this statement prior to the party? I know, I know hind sight is 20/20.
Let's give it another try. Thank you to everyone for the support. I truly enjoy your comments and apologize to you and myself for being so weak.
Enjoy the perfect summer weather.

Today I am grateful for MY HUSBAND, those three beautiful children, star wars, my really bad coffee, fantasy football (not for me), my Polish skin, and my family and friends who made for a great party yesterday. We missed you, Kate.

It is like a diet...

Can't I start again on Monday. You know...like a diet. My family is coming tomorrow for a b-day party for Anna and Jack, and I am unsure of the outcome. It is still calling my name and when I went to buy beer for the party, I swear it said, "just join us one more time." Someone please make them go away. How can it possibly be so hard not to want to drink. I can give up anything else (OK coffee might be a challenge, but they make alternatives.) To think of it, they make alternatives for cigarettes, but not for alcohol. Why can't I eat something that satisfies my craving?

Hard not to be bitchy today, and I am not sure why. I have smoked enough, drank enough coffee, resigned myself to the fact that the house will not ever be clean enough for my mother. Can it be the fact that I have not had a drink since Monday? I have, however, had some really good laughs this morning. I almost wet my pants while garage sale(ing) with my neighbor, and a bug attacked me in the car (which was hysterical)!!!!

Gratitude...for some reason it is not so easy today
washing machine, my sister, my neighbor, their pool, the sun, of course, and meetings (I am in need right now)

Thanks to my iPod

Friday has arrived in the same usually fashion. It is a day of leisure in our household and it signals to me to say F**k it. I went for a run this morning and listened to Queen's "Under Pressure" at least three times. My other personal favorites to run to are the Go Gos "Vacation", Barenaked Ladies "Pinch me" and Kula Shaker's version of "Hush". Throw in a little Korn and I have myself a perfect 10K. When I got back to the house and walked in I found Jack, my baby, already awake. Now I know I should be grateful to see his devilish smile at 6:30 in the morning, but today I needed the last half hour of "my time." Kind words were not flowing from my mouth and now I regret it. I have since hugged and kissed him, but if only I could turn back time. Selflessness is something I need to work on.

Fortunately, I am busy for most of the day and will be able to keep my mind on other things. I can still hear the voices asking me to join them for a cocktail but I hope they enjoy one without me on this and every Friday to follow.

Right now I am grateful for my morning coffee and cigarette (breakfast of champions), the sun, those three beautiful children in my living room, the fact that Anna made pancakes for her sister and brother (love her), and my iPod. Cheers!

There it is!!!!

So, the sun finally came out and it put a great big smile on my face. The kids found a cicada, played at the playground, and are decorating their clubhouse. These are the days...

Right now I am grateful for the sun, my very dirty children, my friends who help to distract me, the promise of fall and apple picking season, and the fact that Brueggers does not serve beer just very bad coffee.

Tomorrow is Friday and the hardest day of the week for me to say no. I am already dreading the day and it is hours away. Going to sleep tonight will be a bitch. Our neighborhood as instituted Margarita Friday (I was the founder, of course). This was just a way to make me feel as though it was OK to be trashed when my husband got home at 5pm. tick, tick, tick



This weather is not helping a bit. I hate to complain and I know a negative attitude will get me nowhere, but good God it is August. Sixty-five degrees is just unacceptable. I need to see the sun.

I realized today that I am a living a Lifetime movie

Today is my second sober day in a very long while. I am proud of myself and know I should be. Although I have eaten my weight in Goldfish, I have not had a morning, afternoon or before dinner V and T. I am hoping I can stay strong through the evening and get my ass to an AA meeting. I tried to quit smoking this a.m., but I now realize that I need to kick one addiction at a time. I have, although, only smoked four today (compared to 15 by this time on a normal day).







I am not sure I am buying the whole AA thing. I will however admit that it has been the only thing that has prevented me from drinking the past two days. When I set myself up to go I do not want to show up drunk or hung. I am sure I will understand it all someday, or maybe not.







This morning I realized that I am living Lifetime movie. I am the drunk mom that everyone avoids because I smell like vodka. I had an epiphany and now attend meetings and pray every day that I can face it without alcohol. The scariest part of my day is when I go bed. I am scared to death to wake up with the feeling that I want a drink. It has kept me up until 2 or 3 a.m. This is like no other fear I have had before. Willpower was never an issue. Where did it go?