A fresh start?

The bus came this morning to pick up the girls and already I feel as though things are falling back into place. It has been a devastating eight months and I hoping we will get back into our normal grove. Even though the new year starts in January, I am ready to make my new year start now in September. A routine will help us all around here.

We plan to go camping on Friday night and boat all day on Saturday. It is unfortunate that we did not think of this until now, but we should have fun. The kids are looking forward to getting away, and so am I. It will be nice to spend time with just us!!!

I don't feel as though I need a drink today, but wondering if my hangover is still too fresh in my mind. I did not leave my bed for most of the day on Monday, and am now convinced I was still drunk when I woke up to go grocery shopping at 8am that morning. I tried desperately to open my travel mug still full of Red Bull and vodka, and thank god it was too sticky to open. I would have gladly guzzled it if I was able.

The girls needed me to stay home last night (or so I like to think they did), so I did not go to a meeting. I hope to go tonight.

At my last meeting the topic was walking through fear, and after a few people shared one newcomer asked if all drinking was fear driven. In my opinion most alcoholics can probably trace their drinking back to some sort of fear. In my experience, I am afraid of life. I don't like to deal with it. I hear a lot that people don't like to feel. I just don't want to deal and as I have said before, when I drink I miss the big picture. Out of sight, out of mind. Right? Hopefully I can remember how good today feels without a drink and how shitty I felt on Monday, and keep truckin' through this thing called life. My kids deserve more than the mom they have. I will and can be a better person for me, for them, for Andy, for my friends. It has to happen. Just rambling on...

At the moment I am grateful for the sun, Emma for not putting up too much of a stink this morning, Anna for growing up to be such a beautiful young lady, Jack for running outside in his underwear (we all needed that this morning), not absolutely needing a drink, my friends for inviting me for coffee, and September.

Here's to a fresh start!!!!!!!

Cheers!