Today has been the hardest day, so far. I am in such a funk that I am not sure what will cure it. As much as I would like a drink, I know I cannot show up at the meeting tonight tanked and the hangover would suck. On the other hand, I do not have anything to do for the rest of the weekend and a V and T would taste so very good right now. I have been living minute to minute today. Yesterday was great. I did not feel any pressure to drink and we have such a great time. We decided not to go to dinner and get back earlier so my mother in law could go home. Everything felt so peaceful yesterday, and I felt like it was the calm before the storm. Maybe today the storm rolled in? I woke with a headache, which kind of pissed me off. If I wanted to feel like shit, I would have been drinking all day!! It didn't stop me from running this morning, but I had to take some meds to get rid of it. I think I need more water.
OMG do I want a drink. Andy is working all day and this does not help matters. I need him here on weekends to level my week off. Although the kids do not need constant attention, I feel like I need some me time away from the house. I know we went out for the day yesterday sans kids, but I need to bug out!!!!!
In reading the Big Book today I realized that this AA thing is kind of like being a girl scout. You just need to do the right thing and stop being so goddamn selfish. I feel like I am constantly thinking of me, me, me. I think about how much I want...time alone, a drink, a vacation. I could go on and on forever about the things that I want. What truly needs to happen is that I need to focus on the other people in my life and their wants and needs. Like I said before I need to work on selflessness.
Today I took the kids for a bike ride, which was OK. By the time we got home, I needed and smoked a well deserved cigarette. It was a good one. There are a billion things I could do around here today, but I am not motivated to do any of them. Feeling a little useless (LAZY)!
Ok today the gratitude list will be hard...although it shouldn't be.
*the turtle we saw on our bike ride
*the meeting I plan to attend
*the promise of football starting next week
*my family
*sweatpants
*ending August on a very good note
*health
*happiness
*the dunkin donuts I will hit before the meeting
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3 comments:
Regarding your thoughts on selfishness:
"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power."
p62
"We found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn´t there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly."
p45
"the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience."
p39
And regarding those thoughts about drinking..
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power."
p43
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (Including Johna's)
p60
So if the problem isn't ''selfishness' as such. What IS the problem?
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. we had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that´s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."
p45
So how exactly am I supposed to " find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."?
"Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery"
p59
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps"
p60
So. Theres your answer.
The STEPS will restore you to sanity.
Which will enable you to have a mental defence against alcohol. See page 84.
(After step 9) regarding alcohol:
"We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. WE react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid."
p84
And will provide you with the 'needed power" to do many things which until now have been beyond reach. Such as to act in keeping with the " moral and philosophical convictions galore" which you have, but are unable to live up to. Eg selfishness etc.
But to do the steps, you will need a sponsor. The more contented the better, the more peace of mind the better. Find the best available woman in your neighborhood and ask her to take you through the first nine steps. After that its just maintenance.
But most importantly,
"the (drink) problem has been removed. It does not exist for us."
p84
Which is why we all showed up in aa in the first place, lets face it!
So happy hunting! And I hope you find a good un!
Hey Johna: The solution (cure) is in the Big Book. So keep reading, go to meetings, get phone numbers, call them, take the me time. I have had to put my sobriety first and foremost. That's my me time. Especially in the first month, all I did was go to meetings, read the BB, read posts from my online group, read blogs, etc. It was all about sobriety.
Yeh, another sober day. Liking the gratitude you find. Yep, once you know you are in the right place, time to find a sponsor to take you through the steps. And show how to build a relationship with a Power greater than you.
Have a look around the meetings for some well stable happy with themselves (on the whole) AA women post step9 with Sponsors who may help you.
Theres a leaflet in my sidebar AA Q&A on sponsorship, I suggest you read that too, gives you an idea on what a sponsor is, does, doesnt do, and what your role as a sponsee, may look like.
Let us know how you get on
Finding and maintain recovery is a very unselfish act. It will straiughten out your own peace of mind and of those around you, eventually.
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