The past few days have been hell. I came the closest I ever have to a mental breakdown. On Monday I was physically shaking and pulling my hair. I wanted to run, and by run I mean run away. I was so very close to driving away in my minivan to who knows where? I was convinced this was not the life for me and I was going to find it somewhere else. If it were not for those two meetings I had to attend, I would have been at the bar and probably still be there now. After the girl scout meeting I came home, because without the van, the kids have no ride. Andy cheered me up, because he was working. For some reason when he works at home it turns me on.
Yesterday started out a little better, although I did try to drink. I poured myself a drink and before I could start, the cat spilled it all over the kitchen table. I took this as a sign and dumped out the bottle of rum and got on with my day. I had to take Anna to dance class, so it was probably a good thing.
But what a difference today...the kids were great this morning and Jack went for his first full day at preschool. During those hours I was able to help out at school and then go for a 6.5 mile run. Damn, that felt good. I was not able to run yesterday, because it was raining cats and dogs. I needed a good one and today was perfect!!!!!
Still have some residual feelings, but I am able to suppress them for the moment. And as I have learned, that is all I have right now.
Thankful for the sun (finally), my iPod, my new Chucks, health and happiness(?)
Thanks to everyone for your input and concern. You help in so many ways. Thanks again.
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This is for you, Kate
A day at a time in the life of a not so drunk soccer mom.
This is for you, Kate
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About Me
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- A little about myself...I am a 32 year old mom of three beautiful children and wife of a very supportive and loving man. I have everything I could ever want, except for the willpower to stop drinking.
6 comments:
Welcome back! Way to hang! Give yourself a well deserved "HIGH FIVE"! GREAT sharing! Two things come to my mind; your "running" and your "cat". Early on, I often compared my sobriety with many different "activities". Running, for example; if you start off "unmindful" of your pace (not in the NOW) you will get winded and MUST stop...you can either get discouraged and QUIT...or with "YOUR EXPERIENCE", you know that "I need to REST", you REFLECT on your "foolishness", you may even jog in place "collecting" yourself..."I've been here before"...you make the appropriate adjustments...with NEW awareness and jogging in the NOW, you move forward...capable of minor (mindful) adjustments to your pace...A NEW "AWARENESS"! Surprisingly, you find yourself running .5 miles further than you had intended. You are an experienced runner...you may even have a "coach" or jog with more experienced "friends"! You practice and set goals; The tree, the garbage can, the driveway...THE RUNNER AHEAD OF YOU! EVEN behind you or you help someone else with their "pace". You know "how it works"! Running is FUN! But was it at first? In the beginning, I walked a LOT! NOW, I just walk to the end of the drive and say "HOW FAR?" and ADJUST my pace. SIMPLE?
Wrapping my brain around "sobriety" was the most difficult, simple thing I have ever attempted. Making "uncool", feel cool, unsexy feel sexy...HELL..SOBER SEX?! I had to "change the way I looked at things, so the things I looked at, changed". PERSPECTIVE! I needed training!
Now, on to your "cat". My circumstances, led me to "re-hab". I often think of my path as, "the easier, softer way". I can't tell you how impressed, I am, at your insight, resolve and smarts to walk in to A.A.! I wish I could have done it, at your age. I just wasn't "ready" then. Give yourself a HEARTY pat on the back! Anyway, while there, they suggested "living in the NOW". At first, I was confused, but quickly thought of "relativity", Einstein, past, future, moments, seconds and fractions of TIME. This appealed to my scientic nature. To practice, I would concentrate on my daily tasks in more detail...the bristles of my toothbrush rather than breakfast, friends, family, yesterday, or the day ahead. I only had NOW! I could not CHANGE the past...any FUTURE I created was NOT REAL! I became a "detailed" observer. I "listened" and HEARD, differently. I "chewed" the words of the "Serenity Prayer", each time it was uttered. I resisted recitation! As "time" seemed to slow down for me, I started to notice things which had before gone "rushing" by my consciouness! Little things...the phone call from a friend, when I was feeling "edgy"; the interuption, when I was about to "say" something inappropriate; the fellow AA coming around the corner as I was headed, "hell-bent", to buy my 12 pack..."unknowingly", distracting me just long enough, for me to get through another day. I now call these, "MY micro-miracles". No big deal to anyone else...BUT ONE HELL OF A MESSAGE TO ME! The more I slowed down, the more I saw how...the "hand" had always been there...it was just me that was moving TOO fast to "see". "Get out of my way, I'm coming through!" I was the one that needed to "get out of "my" way". Was your cat the only "one" there, yesterday?
Well done! Your doing GREAT!
It sounds like you're battling with your life, your existence, being a mom, having to do what your kids need and not being able to run away and do your own thing... Being a former partier with an unexpected baby, I understand and have to accept that my life is forever changed. It sucks not having personal freedom but I wouldn't trade my beautiful son for the world. You're on the way to a much better existance but obviously you are battling with drinking daily, which is normal. Just get rid of all the booze in your house, its neccessary and needs to happen. Fill your fridge with all sorts of great drinks and don't battle the temptation of knowing where the bottles are. Good luck hunny, keep truckin and running and listening to great music on your ipod and being a great mom. Stay strong and stay committed.
good kitty. saved your butt this time. he desreves a treat. LOL.
you're doing great, and everything you're feeling is completely normal.
hey! it's so hard sometimes, i can hear it. i learnt to 'turn around and walk away' before i even had time to think it through. diversion, diversion, diversion. and good for the kitten kat! stay strong girl!
Glad you are sober. but PLEAASE
Pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink next time.
Thats how it works. You just can't do this on your own. Pick up the phone every day to someone in aa so that it becomes a habit. because one of these days you are really going to NEED to make that all. o the daily calls are 'oractice' for when you REALLY need them.
Keep coming back! It gets better!
Time to stop running and start the steps. You need not live like this.
Have you had enough yet ?
Stop fighting.
Surrender to Win
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