It has been a few days but today is a good one. Over the weekend we decided to have some of the neighbors over to hang out and play cards on the deck one last time this summer. I was convinced I could handle it because everyone was drinking beer. I can usually pass that up, so I thought it would be OK until...my neighbor showed up with a bottle of vodka. As you guessed, that was it for me. I drank half the bottle before I could no long stand up straight and speak clearly. The next morning I learned that I did not remember much of the night before. Shit!!! We took the rest of the bottle back over to our neighbors, because it was already calling my name about the time I was sobering up (11am). Set back, again shit!!!
The next night we went to a bar for comedy show and I DID NOT DRINK. It felt great not to be hung on Sunday and I am very proud of myself. I was so angry about Friday night, but as far as Sat. goes...the bars, the friends, the drinks...I did it.
Andy left again, and this time I am not afraid. I know this time I can handle it. I have cut back on the smokes and hope to give that up all together. It has really affected my running and it is literally killing me. I will be lucky not to die from lung cancer.
So, all that being said, I am having a great day so far. The sun is shining and it is a perfect day. I am not hung over and don't want to be. I ran on my day off. My Brownie meeting has been planned. Jack has a sitter for the meeting. So far so good.
I will let you know how it all plays out. I think I will be busy enough to keep my head straight...if only for today.
Cheers!!!
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This is for you, Kate
A day at a time in the life of a not so drunk soccer mom.
This is for you, Kate
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About Me
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- A little about myself...I am a 32 year old mom of three beautiful children and wife of a very supportive and loving man. I have everything I could ever want, except for the willpower to stop drinking.
1 comment:
Cheers??? What's up with that?..."It felt great not to be hung on Sunday and I am very proud of myself."...." He that is proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours the deed in the praise."
Author: William Shakespeare
How do you "feel" emotionally about what just happened? Were you welcomed with open arms as you came walking out of the "desert"? What was so different about "Friday" versus the previous 20 odd days? Were you comforted by the "familiar" warm embrace of your beloved, "Ketel"? I can see my OWN glass raised high, with a wry smile..."Progress not perfection!" Where is your gratitude today?
With this "revelation", today, I am drawn back to your previous "return" entry..."I made it!!!"...Did you??? My apologies, for doubting your veracity, but I am reminded of my early "attempts" at "not drinking" (about 9yrs. ago, without AA) and how, after 2 or 3 weeks...being so "proud" of my accomplishment (my wife was too!), I "felt", I could have a beer after work and a glass of wine with dinner. This would last, quite pleasurably until, I found myself back to my 24 to 36 beers a day...suprisingly, I weighed 185lbs, just shy of 6', I had a job, great money stashed away, we owned a lovely home and a $1500/mth rental, and the bills were paid...LIFE SUCKED!! Keep in mind, unlike Andy, my wife's drinking was on a par with mine...1.5 litre Merlot/day! At 130lbs she "prided" herself on "drinking men under the table"! Hemingway, would have loved her! Finally, I declared "I've had enough! This is it! I am "never" going to drink, again!" This is where the "games" began! I had SET the bar in stone! I was a man of "my word"! I had painted myself into a corner that.. "progress not perfection"...wasn't going to cut it, with my wife! The "con" was on! Thankfully, she continued to drink, so when I "slipped", I was able to cover my consumption by topping off my "Code Red" with a good slug of her RED...a mock sangria. I hid beers behind the water jugs we kept in the spare fridge and "rotated" them with the warm ones hidden elsewhere in the garage. We kept 4 beers, "for guests", in the door of that fridge, too! I was screwed, if I could not replenish those. I would buy 4 gatorades and before getting home, pour out enough of each, to divide a 750ml of "ICEBERG" vodka between them! The problem with vodka in your gatorade, when you're "feigning" sobriety, is...I DRANK IT "LIKE" GATORADE. I was so deluded, I wondered why I felt so "woozy" in the hot sun after a couple of quarts! By and large my "cons" worked, except for two problems...I was conning myself! And you can't CON booze! Sooner or later, it's gonna expose you! I was living in a 750k home behaving like a "skid-row" drunk! I was just existing. I had lost me! Money, work, sex, relationships and finally, booze were not making me happy...even a divorce, new town, new house, monied, "free" to play the field and drinking...still miserable! I WAS DONE! AA was my last HOPE...IT DELIVERED! Don't get me wrong...IT SUCKS...for awhile, but slowly, I began to notice changes in my "perspective", which I was able to build on. I believe..."There is no 'trying' in sobriety!" I had to commit 110%+1 to the program for at least, the 1st 6mths...before I felt comfortable building MY "new way of living".
My "ex", still has the house, the rental, money and has 8 months AA sober. Are relationship is better than it has been in years. Who knows?..she is still sorting some things out...we both are.
I believe, you see, that you are not a "normal" drinker.
But, don't torture yourself, "trying" to quit or beat yourself up for this slip...just ask..."AM I DONE?" If "yes"...COMMIT! If "no"...ENJOY! I sat on the fence, for years! Save yourself, the frustration.
Cheers?!?
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