Ok, shouldn't it be getting easier by now? I woke up and ran this morning and usually this makes me feel better. It is "my time" to clear my head and prepare for a brand new day. For some reason I could not shake any of the "bad thoughts" today. Last night was great and I was on such a perfect life high, but something happened?!?!?! The swarm of thoughts that convince me that I am not worthy of this life overwhelmed me and continue to do so. The shame and guilt of the person I have become are strangling the person I want and need to be. I need a drink today more so than any other day. Luckily I have a PTO meeting and a Girl Scout meeting to attend tonight, so this keeps me sober. If I am lucky I can hit a meeting after both of these and maybe end my night on a higher note.
Not sure how to handle the next few hours and thinking that this moment by moment thing is the way to go. Thank God for PTO and girl scouts!!!!!
Camping was a blast. I did not drink and only salivated a little when opening and closing the cooler, OK...a lot, OK...it bothered the hell out of me and I thought about pounding everyone of them more often than not. My fault...I was the dumbass who packed it. Live and learn. Other than my best friend calling to me from the cooler, the trip was great. It was so relaxing!!! We have never taken a trip with just the five of us before and we know we can and will do it more frequently. It is so nice to be on our own clock and not have to worry about making everyone happy. That is what Andy and I do best. We are too damn nice!
AT THE MOMENT I am grateful for GS, PTO, iTunes, making it till 5:29 without a drink, Jack's preschool class (it was great to talk to all the moms again and meet a few more faces), Monday night football, and the bed I will sleep in to finish this day.
Hope y'all had a great weekend!!!!!
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5 comments:
Stay strong today. Maybe because you are trying so hard to not drink, you should talk to your husband about getting rid of the alcohol and not have it be present at your family events. Make the committment that you don't want it around you! My family drinks but they don't do it in front of me, that's just painful. I hope you can battle your cravings, I know what they are like. Good luck.
hey! good to see you had a nice weekend. and stay in the day, in the minute if you have to....
Johna: Ok, shouldn't it be getting easier by now?
"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p122)
Johna: For some reason I could not shake any of the "bad thoughts" today.
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma" (p45)
"Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
Johna: Last night was great and I was on such a perfect life high, but something happened?!?!?! The swarm of thoughts that convince me that I am not worthy of this life overwhelmed me and continue to do so. The shame and guilt of the person I have become are strangling the person I want and need to be.
You are a SICK person getting WELL, NOT a BAD person getting GOOD
Johna: I need a drink today more so than any other day.
Not sure how to handle the next few hours and thinking that this moment by moment thing is the way to go. Thank God for PTO and girl scouts!!!!!
From : 'Stage One' Information: What I TRY (!) to explain to someone in their FIRST MEETING
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2006/11/stage-one-information-what-i-try-to.html
there are FOUR things that will make it easier for them to avoid cravings for alcohol
1. Drink plenty of fluids. More than they normally do. Obviously not alcoholic fluids! Tea. Coffee. Fruit juice with water.
Why? Because they may have a craving for alcohol if they are simply thirsty! Drinking fluids may very well remove the craving for alcohol.
2. Don't skip meals. Eat SOMETHING. Even if it's just a piece of toast. Or sips of milk if they can't keep toast down.
I tell them that low blood sugar will create cravings for alcohol, so low blood sugar IS NOT AN OPTION for the time being. I explain that when I was new I put on weight, but that it has all come off since then, so that they do not need to worry. Any weight gain will be SHORT TERM, and is just a temporary 'glitch'.
3. Carry something sweet. If you get a craving, eat something sweet as this often removes cravings.
4. Last but not least. Pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink.
I explain that if it seems like a LONG time till tonight.
That 'Why don't they TRY to not pick up the FIRST drink, JUST FOR THE NEXT HOUR?
Or if that seems too long, then why not TRY not to pick up the FIRST drink, JUST for the next 30mins?
Or if that seems too long, then why not TRY not to pick up the FIRST drink, JUST for the next 10mins?
And I say that when they get to the end of the 10mins, they can simply renew it as they go along
Because, 'It’s a cinch an inch, but it’s hard by the yard'
I say that if they get restless during the 10mins, that they can do one of the four things I mentioned earlier..
1. They could make themselves a cup of tea or have something to drink. With sugar in perhaps.
2. They could Eat SOMETHING. Even if it's just a piece of toast. Or sips of milk if they can't keep toast down.
3. They could Eat something sweet.
4. And Last but not least, Pick up the phone.
Keep coming back!
It gets better!
The more you put in, the more you get out.
Johna,
I guess you now "know" how BIG your monkey is? If you have ANY doubt about your dependence on alcohol...remember YOUR words, "I need a drink today more so than any other day." Because I am an "addict", I am unqualifed to speak for "normal" people but, I can't imagine them "thinking" like that. I do remember those words rolling through MY mind, repeatedly, for over 25yrs.! How could I have ever let myself become a slave? To my BEST LOVE, no less! Booze was at every "event" in my life. I could go nowhere, do nothing, without it! You are not alone...
I am concerned, we have not heard from you today? You have begun a journey of "sobriety"...how long it lasts, is your choice. AA was also the guiding force of my "sobriety". It "taught" my heart/soul and after gaining some stability and with an understanding "sponsor", I sought other references to "teach" my mind about "what" AA was doing to/for me. It was undeniable, that I was slowly feeling better and I wanted to know..."why?" The internet was an invaluable "source" for finding information, which confirmed "my NEW way of thinking". With the steps and a good sponsor, I was able to build a "solid" foundation on which to construct my new and better life. I wanted a life filled with many friends...in & out of AA. I wanted an "inclusive" life. I was determined NOT to allow "booze" to have ANY influence in my future, SOBER life! It had already "ruled" over half of my past. Many, may say this is a dangerous way of thinking, to maintain "longterm"! I now enjoy a life, free of "fear" amongst my many "drinking" friends.
Don't get me wrong, the advice you have already received, is wise and I heeded ALL of my sponsor's suggestions. I just had too many "healthy" drinking friends that I wanted in my life. Set your "path" on a strong foundation and you can build the "world" of your dreams. There is a lot of "Me" in this "WE" program!
"Persist without exception!"
Dr. Wayne Dyer- "The Power of Intention"
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9002882253039527684&q=wayne+dyer&total=277&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
EGO is a Closed loop!
Jhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTb2kp9Y4Isohna,
Addiction, Mind & Freedom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lMUppdB1bM
Being responsible
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=aB3zc9d1CI0
Father Marting over 30yrs. sober
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8EtijkXQ-U
Jung and A.A. sounds like Max von Sydow narrates the "Big Book"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceoB-tE5yWI
The FIRST day is the worst!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mUx7J20Lis
Oh golly, just keep on keeping on. Something I used a LOT in early sobriety was the realization that I knew exactly what kind of hell was waiting for me once I picked up a drink or a drug, but I had no idea what sobriety would be like. I'm a reporter, so I'm naturally curious and curiosity about sobriety kept me going one gall-durn day at a time! Good to find your blog, girl. YOur children are lovely.
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