Today hasn't even started and I know it will be a great one. (Hoping that statement doesn't come to bite me on the ass later.) The kids are home from school and our plan is to go apple picking. I love apple picking...the smell of the orchard, the sunshine, the smiles on the kids' faces. We don't actually do anything with the apples, except eat them. We talk about baking great things every year, but when it comes down to it, I am not domestic in anyway. So, we eat them, all of them!!! We get so sick of apples by October, but it is the best feeling to pick them fresh off the trees. I can't wait.
I found a new running partner this morning. It is nice to talk to someone else while I run. She asked me why I chew gum all the time and I think she was hinting that she knew I smoked. I think she was wanting me to reply with I am trying to quit. She is one of moms at Jack's nursery school and she is pretty straight laced. I also think she knows I have a problem with alcohol. I am sure she smelled it on me last year when I picked up Jack. Also, I made some comment about not being at the picnic last year, because I was at the bar. She did not find it funny. She rolled her eyes and said, "Wherever you were." Jack went with one of my friends and I can't remember where I was. I think either Anna or Emma had something going on. Regardless, I was probably drunk by the end of the day. Sounds ridiculous now...kind of sad, wouldn't you say?
I honestly thought it was OK to drink all day long. Why not? I had nothing better to do and it helps me get things done without thinking about them. It is funny how after reading the BB and others how I realized the life I have been living is not normal. Every time I drank in a social situation I drank until I could drink no more. I thought everyone blacked out. I truly did not think I was any different. Looking back now I see I have had a problem for longer than I thought. I could try to blame it on something else...my mother or my father's death, but I think it is a lack of self respect. Alcoholism is in my family. My sister is an alcoholic, but I am not sure if she recognizes it. I think she thinks the same way I did...that it is completely normal to drink like a fish. Everybody's doing it, right. Well Kath, get a clue. It is not normal and I am glad I figured it out now and not ten years from now. A lot can change in ten years and by being sober I know it might be good, bad or ugly, but at least I have positive control and will not go down with the ship unknowingly.
At the moment I am grateful for being sober and not hungover, apple picking, the sunshine, my new running buddy, still being able to run and smoke (although now I have a smoker's cough, I have to quit!!!), a good nights sleep, coffee, coffee, coffee.
Thanks again for all the comments!!!!!!
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Now you know the problem, Live in the solution.. Sponsor ... the Steps
Am interested. have you tried the steps with a sponsor?
Wonderful "reflections"! This afternoon, you may "see" the orchard with new eyes. More color, different smells, curious feelings...in touch. You have a wonderful asset at your fingertips...your kids! A BIG part of you is doing this for them, but allow me to show you something, they can do for you. They are a PERFECT representation of how WE should live. They are in constant (loving) contact with their Creator...Johna/Andy. They are "tangible" representations of what HP wants for us. They are TOTALLY engaged in life, always checking in with their "god" and as long as they are in alignment with your plan, their life and yours is "happy, joyous and free". They look to you for everything! Their needs are basic...food, WATER, sleep! They see potential in everything...a pile of rocks becomes a game, a house, a fort..whatever their imagination desires. I used my dog, "Sassy", as my guide for sobriety. At my worst moments, she was always there to lick my face. The "creator" had given her "water", not booze! Man, had decided to ferment fruit for a little different, "perspective". (Don't, get me wrong I love people who drink, responsibly, I just know, I can't! I am an alcoholic who NOW has a choice and I choose, not to drink! Before, I had to drink! No choice!) All she did was eat, "drink", poop, sleep and PLAY! Always in the NOW, ready to share, like your kids, her unconditional love with EVERYONE! My conclusion was "All I need to do is be a better DOG"! Perhaps, you should be a better...kid? Some may say, it was our "childish" thinking that got us to where we failed. Personally, I believe it was my selfish, adult desire to "RUN THE SHOW"! I screwed up that "natural", innocent, faithful, loving and compassionate, relationship with my Creator. "I" tarnished Her wonderful gift. Thankfully, She brought me a "glimpse" of clarity to realize my error. It is SO much easier HER way. I am back on the path. I still have debate with Her, but TODAY, I am more of a, "Yes, Dear" kind of guy. I (ego)don't HAVE to ALWAYS be right, anymore. Stay on "your" path and have a wonderful time with your kids today! Learn from them. Reward yourself for the little things! Look for them.
Good for you... enjoy your apple picking, kids love that stuff. Also, your honesty is great. Don't be afraid to get sober, you will feel soo much beter. Keep running girlfriend, you're doing great.
hey there! you're sounding great i'm glad to hear. enjoy the day!
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