October 21, 2007

Looking better today

Went to my favorite meeting tonight. It was a little crazy, but I left feeling much better. I am thinking of going back to school. Why not? I cannot pull off this stay at home thing forever. Not sure what direction to go in, but it is wide open for me. Andy will be very supportive no matter what I do. I think it is time!

I went for coffee with a friend tonight after the meeting, and it felt good to feel normal again. The break from Andy and the kids was needed. It lets me explore myself and what I need to do to make "me" happy. I can't wait for them to wake up in the morning. I am truly looking forward to hugging and kissing them. We plan to go for breakfast and then to the mall. The weather for tomorrow looks to be amazing and that will surely put me in a great mood. I am probably not going to get a run in because I wasted my sitter on the meeting tonight, but hopefully I can get in a really great run on Monday morning. It is suppose to be beautiful.

I am so thankful for my babysitter, the meeting, those crazy kids, Andy's camping trip, Goldfish and Starbucks. Here's to a great night and hopefully more to come.

October 20, 2007

Stuck on repeat

I feel like such a failure. Things were going so well and I don't have or need an excuse to drink. To be honest, I just like it. I have an evil mind which leads me to thinking about drinking at every second. I planned to drink yesterday. Andy left to go camping and I started and didn't stop until I went to bed. The worst part is I feel fine today and could and may drink again. I arranged for a babysitter tonight so I could go to a meeting (my favorite one), but now I feel like such a failure that I think I might just stay here and do it again.

Things are not so fabulous around here lately. I am trying to "create my own happiness", but I can't seem to get out of my head. OK so I think I will go tonight. It can't hurt and staying here will only make it worse. I need to step out of my thinking and on to a different path. Working here in 24/7 is getting to me. Maybe just a night out. Blah blah blah. Trust me I have heard it all before, too. I replay the same track in my head on a weekly basis.

Mothers are not supposed to be drunk at school functions, I do know this. How can I stop. I think I need to see a psychiatrist and get some true help. I cannot do this alone. I am so very fucked up. Step one.

Grateful for my babysitter, the kids being so wonderful lately, Andy having fun with the boys, the beautiful weather, and things going smoothly last night.

October 11, 2007

A moment of peace

Feeling pretty darn good today. It is nice to feel at peace, at least for the moment. Jack has a friend over and they are running and playing and laughing. How I love that sound!!! Not much on our agenda today, so I don't feel stressed in anyway. (Wow!!)

Amy and I had a great run this morning and the kids got off without too much grief. Well, at least one of them didn't give me too much trouble. That Emma gives me a run almost every day. I feel like such an evil mommy when we are yelling at each other at 7:10am, but when she gets home I will give her a big hug and kiss and let her know how much she means to me. I promise.

Went to a women's meeting last night. It feels good to identify with people in similar situations. I met someone who could write my story. It is amazing how alcohol can affect us in the same the way. She kept stressing that I needed to figure out what happens to me when I drink. I think what she was trying to say was I needed to see that it is not normal to think and dream about drinking or drinking more. I am not sure she was convinced I had a problem, but I know I do. Most people (non alcoholics) do not think about drinking almost every second of everyday. They don't wake up and assess the day to see when or where they will get to drink; they don't know how many liquor stores they pass on all of their road trip; they don't pray that they can make it through the day, and hope to get to sleep soon to end that particular day.

That being said I will take today as it comes and not worry because today there is nothing I can't handle on my own (without a drink).

"Life" was on last night...Yeah!!! Not so much Zen last night which was a disappointment. I think that adds to the show and makes us think more about what we can do to make ourselves truly at peace. Maybe next week.

Thankful for my solid night of sleep, LIFE, good friends, crazy kids, Andy (I could not ask for more support), and this moment of peace.

October 9, 2007


So, I finally read it and WOW, does it describe all that I battle everyday. Apparently I am not the only one!!! What really made me stop and think was the lack of commitment to AA, a sponsor, and to myself. Am I ready? Actually, I think I am. Andy left again today (only for the day), and I found myself mapping out a plan to get to the store before I even went to sleep last night. I had Jack with me all day, so it would have been hard to do. I went out three times to pick up something to drink, but each time I pull up to the liquor store I stop and thought about it in the parking lot. I did not go in, and I am now thinking that the people working in those three separate stores were probably thinking I was going to rob them. If they only knew.

It is now 6 o'clock and I have not had anything to drink. I am home free!!!!!! Andy will be back in a few hours and I will be going to bed soon enough. I should be at a meeting tonight, but it was not feasible for me to do so. Tomorrow.

Had a great run this morning. We (Amy and I) have increased out speed and it feels so very good to be back to my normal speed after fracturing my foot. I hope to never do that again. I would like to run another marathon in the spring, but it is so hard to train then. The weather does not seem to cooperate in March and April when I would need to put in some long runs. We'll see.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I will get back the feeling I had last week. It felt great to be happy again, it has been so long. The emotional roller coaster sucks and I know what it feels like to be happy ALL THE TIME. I should be, because the life I lead is cake.

I think I need to rename this blog "My temporary life", because I know that this is not it. Is it because I am not completely happy and wanting more. Or do I want something entirely different. I am starting to hallucinate as I type. For two days now I have felt like I have been listing to the left side. Only I can understand this. I must go the screen keeps moving on me.

Grateful for everyone who understands, the Big Book, canvas sneakers, Jack being with me today (and everyday for that matter), our upcoming Disney trip (everyone is buzzing around here) and apple picking...we're going again tomorrow.

October 4, 2007


My goal for tomorrow will be not to yell. I have already screamed and yelled today, so I think tomorrow is a good day to start. They are just being kids, after all, right? Sounds good and I will let you know how well that goes.

Today started out surprisingly well, but something happened around 3pm. I don't know what or how, but I began to feel blue again. A little manic, wouldn't you say? It was beyond my control and I think maybe I just need more water. It also may be because I know the kids have a half day tomorrow and I truly need them to be in school until 2:40. I function better with that routine. I do not have a type A personality, but this is the only thing I need not to change from week to week. I earned those hours. There were many days when I did not leave the house (when they were little) and took care of only them and Andy, not Johna.

Not sure if I will hit a meeting tonight, although I know I should probably go. There isn't a specific Thursday meeting that I have found that I like. Maybe I should try a new one. I don't know. It gets dark so early and sometimes it is nice to cozy down on the couch in sweats and veg in front of the TV. Speaking of, I think I found my new favorite show..."Life". There is just something about the lead character that I love. So much so he was in one of my dreams.

Today I am grateful for being sober, coffee, the car being covered (partially) under warranty, my school duties taken care of until after our vacation, great friends, and those crazy kids.

October 2, 2007

The missing sock

What a fabulous day!!!!!! It all started last night when I went to a meeting and heard some heartfelt stories and inspiring wisdom. Five minutes before the meeting ended it was my turn to share. I started with the usual "I don't speak well, I turn red, and it will be short and probably not so sweet" I am not even sure what I said last night, but whatever it was caused people to laugh and joke with me after the meeting. I am starting to get it...the sense of unity and community. What great people!!!!!

I ran this morning with Amy and it was a great run, and I am sure she would agree. We finished in record time and pushed each other all the way. It is nice to run with someone a few mornings a week; we get to talk and laugh.

Jack and I went shopping today at The Gap. My only complaint about today is when I bought a pair of pants that were size 6 (did not try them on), only to get home and find out I need a size four. Good Lord, I am not a size four. Where are all the truly size 2 people buying their clothes now. Do they have to shop in the kids' section? This vanity sizing has to GO!

While on the phone with my BBF Kate I was folding laundry (big surprise), and could not find my new running sock that I had just purchased two days ago. My day has been going so well, and I knew that the sock would not have ruined that, but it would bother me until I found it. Needless to say it was sitting on the kitchen floor, where it had fallen from the basket. I am still on top of the world. (I honestly think I would still be, sock or no sock)

I must go Jack is chasing the cat with a very large plastic, roaring dinosaur. Poor kitty.

Grateful for TODAY, my higher power (which hasn't knocked on my door yet, but I know it's out there somewhere), my sweet, sweet children, the empty hamper, coffee, coffee, coffee, and the ability to breathe, eat, sleep, and DREAM

September 28, 2007


So, I typed that last one yesterday and apparently it was a very bad day for me. It is amazing what a difference a day can make. Today I woke up as stressed as I was the night before, but now I feel 100% better. I managed to accomplish a bunch of stuff that has been on my plate for a while and it has lifted my spirits.

I was worried because yesterday was such a bitch and that in the shower this morning I was thinking it would be the perfect day to stay home and hide, that I would make the trip to the liquor store this a.m. I passed one after my coffee date with my neighbor, but did not stop. Oh how I wanted to. I know that I need to feel my best tomorrow. I am taking our whole Brownie troop for an all day camping trip, and being drunk or hung over would probably be bad. It is all about the kids. I know I have to stay sober for them.

I try not to think so much about not being able to handle or even just face the day, but more about what needs to be achieved that day. By doing this I am able to achieve the one thing I truly want...not drinking!!!!

I haven't been to a meeting in forever. Our lives have been extremely hectic lately. It is all about the kids...as it should be. I use that phrase frequently, and for good reason. It is true. We do everything for them. I wish for them a life better than mine and so I try my best to give it to them. Lately I have gone mental!!!!! More like insane.

As I mentioned tomorrow will be an all day experience, and I will not be able to smoke. I think if I can make it through that tomorrow will be the day to quit. If not, I will roll up ten cigarettes and smoke them all together when I get home tomorrow night. I might need it. Some of those girl scout people are too much. They are the nicest, kindest, gentlest people on earth, but they take it way too seriously. Sometimes I just want to suggest some makeup or a haircut from this decade. I know it is harsh, and I am sure they are at peace with themselves, unlike someone I know. Maybe I should try to let myself go, forgo the makeup and brush, dig out my clothes from high school, and then I, too, will love myself and have time to love and care for others. Just a thought.

Today I am grateful for Friday, September 28th, and the fact that it is not yesterday, the wind, Cheez its, my husband who did not deserve to be yelled at this morning, my three beautiful children, Starbucks, our health and happiness (may it be coming back)