So, I finally read it and WOW, does it describe all that I battle everyday. Apparently I am not the only one!!! What really made me stop and think was the lack of commitment to AA, a sponsor, and to myself. Am I ready? Actually, I think I am. Andy left again today (only for the day), and I found myself mapping out a plan to get to the store before I even went to sleep last night. I had Jack with me all day, so it would have been hard to do. I went out three times to pick up something to drink, but each time I pull up to the liquor store I stop and thought about it in the parking lot. I did not go in, and I am now thinking that the people working in those three separate stores were probably thinking I was going to rob them. If they only knew.
It is now 6 o'clock and I have not had anything to drink. I am home free!!!!!! Andy will be back in a few hours and I will be going to bed soon enough. I should be at a meeting tonight, but it was not feasible for me to do so. Tomorrow.
Had a great run this morning. We (Amy and I) have increased out speed and it feels so very good to be back to my normal speed after fracturing my foot. I hope to never do that again. I would like to run another marathon in the spring, but it is so hard to train then. The weather does not seem to cooperate in March and April when I would need to put in some long runs. We'll see.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I will get back the feeling I had last week. It felt great to be happy again, it has been so long. The emotional roller coaster sucks and I know what it feels like to be happy ALL THE TIME. I should be, because the life I lead is cake.
I think I need to rename this blog "My temporary life", because I know that this is not it. Is it because I am not completely happy and wanting more. Or do I want something entirely different. I am starting to hallucinate as I type. For two days now I have felt like I have been listing to the left side. Only I can understand this. I must go the screen keeps moving on me.
Grateful for everyone who understands, the Big Book, canvas sneakers, Jack being with me today (and everyday for that matter), our upcoming Disney trip (everyone is buzzing around here) and apple picking...we're going again tomorrow.
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This is for you, Kate
A day at a time in the life of a not so drunk soccer mom.
This is for you, Kate
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2 comments:
WELL DONE! I am so impressed! That bombardment must have been quite a shock. Perhaps enough time has passed that you have slipped "under" his radar...GOOD JOB!
When it comes to PAWS...I still felt "discomfort" but, there was some relief in knowing I was not losing my mind. There was an explanation! I was under the false impression that I just quit drinking...detox... and I would be "healed". As you have read it is a bit more complex than that.
I have a confession to make...there is some truth to the "brainwashing" reference, at least in my case. After 100 mtgs in 90 days, I felt like I had "eaten oatmeal, at every meal, for 90 days". Recovery was starting to taste like "crap". I would catch myself spewing "AA speak" to "EVERYONE"...I took "inventories" of ALL around me. I did not like what I was becoming. I became feisty! I backed off the meetings...bitched at my sponsor and "friends" about it....then I realized I hadn't drank in over 120days, I was healthier, I was thinking more clearly. Even as irritated, as I was, there was an "order" to my life. I NOW had "CHOICE"! Before, I HAD TO DRINK! My mind had been reset...like a brand new computer...I could load any kind of software I desired. AA, my Creator and I, had constructed a "solid" foundation, on which "I"...no one else, could build the LIFE OF MY DREAMS! It is not about "not drinking", anymore, for me...it is about being able to FULLY appreciate this wonderful GIFT, called...LIFE! It makes no sense to "alter" this NEW awareness of intricate MOMENTS! "Artificial" awareness is an empty investment! Be openminded enough to...cleanse your old "stubborn", EGO-bound way of thinking away. Reprogram your HEART/MIND with infinite compassion for ALL things and build the LIFE OF "YOUR" DREAMS!
Today, I am an alcoholic who chooses not to drink. Thank God for "choice"! I have NO FEAR of people, places and things....or even alcohol. I love my "drinking friends" and their camaraderie. I love the atmosphere surrounding a bar! As long as alcohol is NOT in my body...I am NOT powerless over it! It takes some time and a few "mental flips" to get here...but it beats any "trip" I have ever had. For me, the battle was not so much about "changing my drinking" (abstinence), but "changing my thinking" (everything)... a moment at a time.
Johna, thank you for the "feedback" and more importantly, doing what is suggested. It wasn't that difficult? I was always amazed at my resistance to such SMALL recommendations...It really SUCKS...not knowing what to do...when you think you KNOW what's best for you! Keep on truckin...you are not alone!
You might notice that your jogging "times" are improving, not only because your foot is better, but your whole cardio-vascular system is under less stress. My blood pressure dropped from 150/100 to 116/76 in 3mths. This was just icing, for me.
There are many "moments" in the "few hours" before Andy gets home. Use the phone..."bitch" with the other newbies...stay connected. There are "meetings on line".
I am so happy to see you back on the keys! "KEEP COMING BACK!"
SWEET!
If you have not already viewed this, I strongly "suggest" you do.
"Wayne Dyer- The Power of Intention"
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9002882253039527684&q=wayne+dyer&total=277&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
shooo! that's wonderful what happened. i used to do exactly what you did, plan it out, when, where, but i can't say i even turned around right infront of the bottlestore like you did! that's great! hang in there.
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