Stuck on repeat

I feel like such a failure. Things were going so well and I don't have or need an excuse to drink. To be honest, I just like it. I have an evil mind which leads me to thinking about drinking at every second. I planned to drink yesterday. Andy left to go camping and I started and didn't stop until I went to bed. The worst part is I feel fine today and could and may drink again. I arranged for a babysitter tonight so I could go to a meeting (my favorite one), but now I feel like such a failure that I think I might just stay here and do it again.

Things are not so fabulous around here lately. I am trying to "create my own happiness", but I can't seem to get out of my head. OK so I think I will go tonight. It can't hurt and staying here will only make it worse. I need to step out of my thinking and on to a different path. Working here in 24/7 is getting to me. Maybe just a night out. Blah blah blah. Trust me I have heard it all before, too. I replay the same track in my head on a weekly basis.

Mothers are not supposed to be drunk at school functions, I do know this. How can I stop. I think I need to see a psychiatrist and get some true help. I cannot do this alone. I am so very fucked up. Step one.

Grateful for my babysitter, the kids being so wonderful lately, Andy having fun with the boys, the beautiful weather, and things going smoothly last night.