Feeling pretty darn good today. It is nice to feel at peace, at least for the moment. Jack has a friend over and they are running and playing and laughing. How I love that sound!!! Not much on our agenda today, so I don't feel stressed in anyway. (Wow!!)
Amy and I had a great run this morning and the kids got off without too much grief. Well, at least one of them didn't give me too much trouble. That Emma gives me a run almost every day. I feel like such an evil mommy when we are yelling at each other at 7:10am, but when she gets home I will give her a big hug and kiss and let her know how much she means to me. I promise.
Went to a women's meeting last night. It feels good to identify with people in similar situations. I met someone who could write my story. It is amazing how alcohol can affect us in the same the way. She kept stressing that I needed to figure out what happens to me when I drink. I think what she was trying to say was I needed to see that it is not normal to think and dream about drinking or drinking more. I am not sure she was convinced I had a problem, but I know I do. Most people (non alcoholics) do not think about drinking almost every second of everyday. They don't wake up and assess the day to see when or where they will get to drink; they don't know how many liquor stores they pass on all of their road trip; they don't pray that they can make it through the day, and hope to get to sleep soon to end that particular day.
That being said I will take today as it comes and not worry because today there is nothing I can't handle on my own (without a drink).
"Life" was on last night...Yeah!!! Not so much Zen last night which was a disappointment. I think that adds to the show and makes us think more about what we can do to make ourselves truly at peace. Maybe next week.
Thankful for my solid night of sleep, LIFE, good friends, crazy kids, Andy (I could not ask for more support), and this moment of peace.
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This is for you, Kate
A day at a time in the life of a not so drunk soccer mom.
This is for you, Kate
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About Me
- Johna
- New York
- A little about myself...I am a 32 year old mom of three beautiful children and wife of a very supportive and loving man. I have everything I could ever want, except for the willpower to stop drinking.
3 comments:
Johna,
I apologize for this lenghty "posting", but I thought, you might benefit from my response to a close friend, earlier today. Perhaps, my personal concern for her "success" might be more compassionate than what I share with you? She has just over 100 days and was thinking about a "hot toddy" for a cold. After, telling her sponsor, she didn't get the answer, she wanted...."You're not done, yet!?"
SHE ASKS, concerning another "active alcoholic", James.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about equality. I was wondering do you feel equal to James? Just curious. I wouldn’t. Right or wrong, I wouldn’t!
Good question....YES!!!...My efforts focus on opening him up to the "concept" of this gift. He is "bound" in his "uniqueness"....as I was. He swings from "mountain top" to "abyss", unable to "see" the simple truth of....equality. In an instant, he will refer to his "lady friends" as the loves of his life, his comfort, his support....to..... "bitches", "cunts" and "whores". The latter is easier to "challenge"....."James, is that how you refer to your friends?" .....One of my suggestions, was for him to be more mindful of his language.....He is accepting of my "observations", because I have heard, the "real" James, in "early sobriety". In about the 6th mth of my own "recovery", I started to notice disapproval, of such speech, in me. He gets "glimpses" of the "real" world, but "chooses" to remain in the "comfort" of James' world.....status quo.
This question, has prompted thoughts of the...."You're not done, yet?!", response. AA's recovery process is much like a "script"...a play that "must" be acted. As actors.....we are no longer..."THE STAR, WE THOUGHT, WE ARE!"....we play supporting roles. Our sponsor casts us as "the tree" or "the 3rd woman in the square".....non-speaking parts! This sucks....the audience can't even see us!......"Keep coming back!" You will get the part.......We are promised we will get the role of "happy, joyous and free"...if we "learn" our lines. Meanwhile, all those with "speaking" parts.....KNOW how "miserable" we feel...they "ARE" their part...."happy, joyous and free"...we DOUBT their "characters"! We don't believe what they say! "I want the LEAD!"...They encourage us to keep studying our lines, come to rehearsals, get a "coach" and maybe even do a "workshop"....we "begrudgingly" practice our lines (thinking.."this is a bunch of....BULLSHIT!), discuss how we could "better" our performance and slowly we start to SEE ....our "character" develop, IMPROVE and take life. We are then entrusted with a "speaking" role! We search for the essence of OUR "character", so we can be a "TRUER" representation of what the "Author" wants us to convey to the "audience"! We start to recognize our role in this "production" and how important "OUR CHARACTER" is to the Author's vision! OUR CHARACTER "BECOMES" US!......I AM MY CHARACTER!!!
http://www.charactercounts.org/defsix.htm
We then come to "TRUST" this Author and wish to be in ALL his "works"..... tradegies, comedies, action/adventure, romance, disasters, X-rated, he can write NOTHING, we don't want to have "part" in. We no longer NEED to have the lead role.....we "see" there is NO "lead"......ALL parts are equal in this Author's works. The role of the "passerby" can change the whole course of the "production"....we practice, practice, practice....so that we are "prepared" to always represent His/Her "role", for us, to the best of our abilities. Some parts, in the beginning, are extremely challenging, but He NEVER casts us in something we can't handle....if we listen to His "suggestions". Every MOMENT of the each day...He is there for consult. We LISTEN to Him! If we follow His script, minimize the "ad-lib" and LEARN from the experience.....we start to "accept" the most challenging of His works, with "miraculous".....ease. We start to "critique" our own performance and ask him how we can "better" it for the next....opportunity! We stop reading the "press" reviews, so that we don't get distracted. We recognize that we will ALWAYS be students and can ONLY strive for MASTERY of our craft. We NOW know that on exciting days, we have missed many lessons.....and on duller ones...we have not looked hard enough! ........I will continue to explore these thoughts... but, for NOW, there are too many trains running and I must allow, a few, to reach the station. I wouldn't want to miss a STOP! Let's get back to the...."You're not done, yet?!", response.
My first thoughts were of...."STUCKNESS". Many analogies of "Life", come to mind. The simplest one, for me, is "life as a river". And at this stage of "development" (with AA clearity)....I can look upstream and see the "stuckness" that has occured in my life. The river I had chosen, was little travelled, for reasons that are clear to me now. I had gotten swallowed up into the "adventure" of journeying down a river...frought with danger and excitment. I felt "I" could master a course with "rapids" classified above VI (as high as classification goes!). Several times, I got "pinned", underwater, against a rock, held by the "roiling" water! The end of my marriage, the end of my drinking, and some minor "stuckness" in recovery, to name just a "few". Like a rip current...I either, had to be helped or have the "presence of mind" to remember what to do. Much like the "victim" who is in shock....I needed a "hearty" SLAP to bring me "back" to my senses..it rattles us...the "physical" pain forces "reaction". I believe, action of ANY kind, is far superior to INACTION (the "action", may be to do NOTHING?) When I am "questioning" sobriety, I am "denying" what I have ALREADY, proven to be TRUE! What kind of SHIT is that?.....Then some well meaning AA comes along and "suggests"..."I'm not done yet"....the PRICK!!...They rattle "MY" mind....I'm angry.....WHY? Are they crazy? It challenges our sensibilities!!......If we are "getting it", we "look" to our discomfort and hostility, knowing that we have an "opportunity" to learn. If we are lucky, we see the "micro-pity" party and get back on the beam with a .........laugh and a .....Thank You! The alternate, proves to be just as TRUE, we succomb to our EGO and take the reins.....hopefully, to reprove what you just "denied" to be true. You are NOW unstuck....would you prefer to be, FOREVER, "roiling" in your own self-serving arguments of justification? What a miserable place to be.....go dull the misery or gain insight, that is OUR choice. The line... "You're not done, yet?!", is delivered with ....compassion.
"LIFE" is the play....LIVING is the "gift" and we are rewarded with each HEARTBEAT! I had ignored this for TOO many years!
All LOVE,
nimrod
DAMN, MY HEAD HURTS!!!
I'm back...I too, was disappointed by "Life", last night. But, I am hopeful, the writers are setting us up. He is "attached" to the new car....where was "Zen" in the table slam? Is he slipping back into his "old way of thinking"? There is an opportunity...for re-examination. I hope that is the direction the series takes. It would parallel the challenges, of change, we face.
I am grateful for you! You keep me thinking.
Perhaps, you could commit to "daily" sharing? Just a...suggestion.
Hey there darlin', where you been? Everything OK?
ditto....
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