Friday!!!

So, I typed that last one yesterday and apparently it was a very bad day for me. It is amazing what a difference a day can make. Today I woke up as stressed as I was the night before, but now I feel 100% better. I managed to accomplish a bunch of stuff that has been on my plate for a while and it has lifted my spirits.

I was worried because yesterday was such a bitch and that in the shower this morning I was thinking it would be the perfect day to stay home and hide, that I would make the trip to the liquor store this a.m. I passed one after my coffee date with my neighbor, but did not stop. Oh how I wanted to. I know that I need to feel my best tomorrow. I am taking our whole Brownie troop for an all day camping trip, and being drunk or hung over would probably be bad. It is all about the kids. I know I have to stay sober for them.

I try not to think so much about not being able to handle or even just face the day, but more about what needs to be achieved that day. By doing this I am able to achieve the one thing I truly want...not drinking!!!!

I haven't been to a meeting in forever. Our lives have been extremely hectic lately. It is all about the kids...as it should be. I use that phrase frequently, and for good reason. It is true. We do everything for them. I wish for them a life better than mine and so I try my best to give it to them. Lately I have gone mental!!!!! More like insane.

As I mentioned tomorrow will be an all day experience, and I will not be able to smoke. I think if I can make it through that tomorrow will be the day to quit. If not, I will roll up ten cigarettes and smoke them all together when I get home tomorrow night. I might need it. Some of those girl scout people are too much. They are the nicest, kindest, gentlest people on earth, but they take it way too seriously. Sometimes I just want to suggest some makeup or a haircut from this decade. I know it is harsh, and I am sure they are at peace with themselves, unlike someone I know. Maybe I should try to let myself go, forgo the makeup and brush, dig out my clothes from high school, and then I, too, will love myself and have time to love and care for others. Just a thought.

Today I am grateful for Friday, September 28th, and the fact that it is not yesterday, the wind, Cheez its, my husband who did not deserve to be yelled at this morning, my three beautiful children, Starbucks, our health and happiness (may it be coming back)

Not feeling up to it

Something has come over me...I am sad, blue, some might say depressed. Even the act of typing randomly on this blog has me stressed and strained. I have been running and eating well, sleeping and drinking lots of water, brushing and flossing, but I cannot seem to get back to where I want to be. Where is that? Who knows?

Set back

It has been a few days but today is a good one. Over the weekend we decided to have some of the neighbors over to hang out and play cards on the deck one last time this summer. I was convinced I could handle it because everyone was drinking beer. I can usually pass that up, so I thought it would be OK until...my neighbor showed up with a bottle of vodka. As you guessed, that was it for me. I drank half the bottle before I could no long stand up straight and speak clearly. The next morning I learned that I did not remember much of the night before. Shit!!! We took the rest of the bottle back over to our neighbors, because it was already calling my name about the time I was sobering up (11am). Set back, again shit!!!

The next night we went to a bar for comedy show and I DID NOT DRINK. It felt great not to be hung on Sunday and I am very proud of myself. I was so angry about Friday night, but as far as Sat. goes...the bars, the friends, the drinks...I did it.

Andy left again, and this time I am not afraid. I know this time I can handle it. I have cut back on the smokes and hope to give that up all together. It has really affected my running and it is literally killing me. I will be lucky not to die from lung cancer.

So, all that being said, I am having a great day so far. The sun is shining and it is a perfect day. I am not hung over and don't want to be. I ran on my day off. My Brownie meeting has been planned. Jack has a sitter for the meeting. So far so good.

I will let you know how it all plays out. I think I will be busy enough to keep my head straight...if only for today.

Cheers!!!

More Apples up on top!!

Jack and I went apple picking again; we were running low. It was a beautiful day and we had a fabulous time. I am grateful for this day but still not sure why and how I can feel so bummed out. I realize life is not so bad and can't seem to cheer up. I would like to sleep for an extended period of time. Waking up this morning was tough but I did it. I ran with Amy, and like I said it is nice to talk to someone. It takes my mind off of my problems.

I think I am going to quit smoking this weekend and thinking of getting a job of some sort. I need some distraction. Something!!!!!

I realize now that I cannot kick this alcohol thing on my own and need to get a sponsor and lots of #s and friends to converse with. I need help. It has occupied 99 percent of my thoughts throughout the day and it sucks. I want it to stop. I don't care if I cannot and will not drink for the rest of my life. It is not worth it anyway. I need to go call someone....more later.

I made it!!!

Here it is Wednesday and I made it through without Andy. I haven't felt mentally stable in the past few days, and wondering if the alcohol has anything to do with it. I am feeling like I want to walk away. This time I want to walk and not run away. Walk out and back into my life. I know (or least I think I know) now that this is the only life I am going to get and am willing to deal. Outside influences aren't the issue in this life, it is I, that is the biggest problem. I feel as though I could go out for a jog and run forever. It helps to clear my head, but only for a few hours.

Andy and I are not on the same plane. Maybe this is because he cannot possibly understand where my head is. When talking about it or writing about it, it sounds ridiculous. It is time for a change...for the better, of course. I will do my best today to not drink, stay level headed, get my work done, and remember that my life is cake compared to most!!!!! The more I dwell on it the more apt I am to say f**k it! So, a will practice a positive attitude today.

I am need of a meeting, and hope to get there tonight, but life has been so busy lately.

Grateful for the promise of a beautiful day, coffee, all the stuff that has to been accomplished today (to keep me busy), our health, and their happiness (if only their mother and wife wasn't so f**cked up)

Scared to death

Andy just left for who knows where and I am alone for over 24 hours without the ability to go to a meeting. I want a drink in the worst way and am truly wondering if I can handle it. I know, I know call someone. I should and maybe I will. It is a beautiful day and all I can think about is how I am going to get to the liquor store with my kids around. Some days they are the only thing that saves me from drinking. This is not going to be easy. I have a billion things I can do, but my thoughts keep coming back to the drink!!!!!! Make it go away.

How am I expected to watch football without a beer? I suppose if I don't turn it on, it would be easy. They are calling my name.

I should call around and get a sitter so I can go to a meeting tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

The meeting which I love was not so fabulous last night. There were too many people and I felt feverish. I could not wait to get out for some fresh air. My head was pounding and I felt like shit. I bugged out before the closing, because I did not want to hold any one's hand and spread my disease. I wish it would have been a better experience for me, and maybe I would not feel so tempted today.

Wish me luck.. I have to go watch the kids put on a play. It is always a good laugh.

No title today

It is raining again....aaaaaahhhhhhh. This did not stop me from running and now I am soaking wet. It still felt good. I woke up feeling a little ill. We have some sort of virus running through our house and this is the second time it has hit me. I am sure the cigs aren't helping matters. I think I am close to quitting those evil things. Soon I will be living on Cheez its, coffee and water (Oh yah, whipped cream, too).

I look forward to getting out today. Andy has taken Anna to her soccer game and said because he was going away tomorrow he needed to spend time with them. I said, "Yes you do, and I will make sure of it!" He said that sounded like a punishment. I said it was more like a privilege. Regardless of how you read that, I plan to bug out this afternoon and let him have some quality time with them. I plan to shop or something along those lines. Tonight's meeting is my favorite and I can't wait to go. I won't be able to get to one until Tues or Weds so I definitely need to go tonight.

Today is a new day and despite the doom and gloom of the gray skies, I hope to make the best of it. Grateful for my beautiful kids, their very clean bedroom, football, waking up sober, badminton (we had some good laughs yesterday), and the rain, I guess...because with out it...blah,blah,blah, (maybe not)

Cheers!!!!!!