How could I forget my gratitude list? Today I am grateful for the track, dunkin donuts, the promise of school starting (bringing schedules back into our lives), the kids, of course, and mother in law.
Cheers!
August 31, 2007
TGIF?
Here it is, Friday again and once again I am scared and worried that I cannot handle it. We are going out with some friends and it is expected that we will all drink. Lately I have told myself that I will be alright and not "I hope" or "I think I will be OK". Waking up with a positive attitude and not questioning the day has helped. But seeing as though it is Friday again, I find myself wondering if I will take the first drink.
On the way home from the meeting last night I heard the Nickleback song "Figured you out", and the line about the lack of self respect really hit home for me. Is this why I self destruct so often. I do lack self respect. I truly do not love myself in anyway and am hard pressed to find one positive thing about myself.
Well enough about ho hum me...I read in the paper this morning that a New York couple won the lottery for a second time. In the article it did not say anything about their lives with or without money, but you have to wonder. Is money the root of all evil. They won their first jackpot in 1996 and appear to be still married and happy (from what I gather from the picture). They also said that this time around the money is going to buy them health and longevity...huh? If this is all it takes then I need to get a job...and fast!!!!
Have a great Friday everyone and thanks again for all your comments and advice. I.F.of Bill I read your blog and took note of the sidebar. It has helped. You're the best.
On the way home from the meeting last night I heard the Nickleback song "Figured you out", and the line about the lack of self respect really hit home for me. Is this why I self destruct so often. I do lack self respect. I truly do not love myself in anyway and am hard pressed to find one positive thing about myself.
Well enough about ho hum me...I read in the paper this morning that a New York couple won the lottery for a second time. In the article it did not say anything about their lives with or without money, but you have to wonder. Is money the root of all evil. They won their first jackpot in 1996 and appear to be still married and happy (from what I gather from the picture). They also said that this time around the money is going to buy them health and longevity...huh? If this is all it takes then I need to get a job...and fast!!!!
Have a great Friday everyone and thanks again for all your comments and advice. I.F.of Bill I read your blog and took note of the sidebar. It has helped. You're the best.
August 30, 2007
Little Voices
Y'know those voices I have mentioned... the ones that tell me it is OK to have just one drink and everything will be alright. I managed to suppress them for two days now and as a result I heard other voices. I heard them all. The people in my life talking to me, the kids laughing and playing, the nagging voice of my mother. They were clear and unfiltered. It was a great feeling. When I am drinking I only hear what I want to hear and I miss most of what is happening around me. Without a drink I can sense what is happening in my life without being told or having it right in front of my face.
I survived a trip to my hometown without a drink...that is just shy of a miracle. My mother asked me at every turn if I wanted a drink and I simply said, "No, thank you," and walked away QUICKLY. Telling my family about all of this would only make it worse. If you knew them, you too would understand and agree. I survived!!!!
Today has been great so far. I forced myself to get out of bed and run, and now I am drinking my first cup of coffee (still missing you, Kate). The list of things to do has been made and hopefully I will accomplish at least half of it. No pressure today. I plan to take it easy and enjoy one of the last beautiful days of summer.
At the moment I am grateful for the perfect day, the fact that I am home, my breakfast of champions (minus the screwdriver), my sleepy kids, the ability to chain smoke and run everyday (although if I could just quit my time may improve???), health and happiness.
I hope you all can say the same. Cheers!
I survived a trip to my hometown without a drink...that is just shy of a miracle. My mother asked me at every turn if I wanted a drink and I simply said, "No, thank you," and walked away QUICKLY. Telling my family about all of this would only make it worse. If you knew them, you too would understand and agree. I survived!!!!
Today has been great so far. I forced myself to get out of bed and run, and now I am drinking my first cup of coffee (still missing you, Kate). The list of things to do has been made and hopefully I will accomplish at least half of it. No pressure today. I plan to take it easy and enjoy one of the last beautiful days of summer.
At the moment I am grateful for the perfect day, the fact that I am home, my breakfast of champions (minus the screwdriver), my sleepy kids, the ability to chain smoke and run everyday (although if I could just quit my time may improve???), health and happiness.
I hope you all can say the same. Cheers!
August 27, 2007
20/20
Let me tell you a little about my husband...He is one of the most supportive people in my life. usually he has more faith in me than I do. I did end up drinking way too much yesterday. It was a blur by the end of the party and I am paying for it with my headache, lack of an a.m. run and the fact I have to drive two and half hours to my parents house with my kids in the car. I derserve to be hung and I am truly thankful that it is just a headache and nothing else. I did sober up, after I told my husband how lit I was, and got my ass to a meeting. If only I went to a morning meeting, this may have been avoided (no one will ever know)!
Back to my husband...When mentioning gratitude, I never include him, but he show take the top slot everytime. First of all without him I would not have those three beautiful children in my living room. Yes, I may have three different children, but they would not have those beautiful brown eyes and the same charming personalities. They are unique to us. Ours and no one could have done it better. Secondly, he has never judged me. I am sure I have passed judgement on him before although, while recognizing my own faults and weakness, I am less likely to judge others. Sometimes I wonder how Andy can live without any addictions and always in moderation. Is it possible? He makes it look easy. I am sure I have enough destructive behaviors for the both of us. I believe I am with him for a reason...If we were similiar in these ways our children would be SOL. I love him for loving me like every husband should love his wife. Even though I do not always have a smile for him, I know I can come home to him and feel like that's where I belong.
I suppose I will start again. And I was doing well. My neighbor pointed out that my parents and family were not worth picking up the first drink. She is right. Could she have made this statement prior to the party? I know, I know hind sight is 20/20.
Let's give it another try. Thank you to everyone for the support. I truly enjoy your comments and apologize to you and myself for being so weak.
Enjoy the perfect summer weather.
Today I am grateful for MY HUSBAND, those three beautiful children, star wars, my really bad coffee, fantasy football (not for me), my Polish skin, and my family and friends who made for a great party yesterday. We missed you, Kate.
Back to my husband...When mentioning gratitude, I never include him, but he show take the top slot everytime. First of all without him I would not have those three beautiful children in my living room. Yes, I may have three different children, but they would not have those beautiful brown eyes and the same charming personalities. They are unique to us. Ours and no one could have done it better. Secondly, he has never judged me. I am sure I have passed judgement on him before although, while recognizing my own faults and weakness, I am less likely to judge others. Sometimes I wonder how Andy can live without any addictions and always in moderation. Is it possible? He makes it look easy. I am sure I have enough destructive behaviors for the both of us. I believe I am with him for a reason...If we were similiar in these ways our children would be SOL. I love him for loving me like every husband should love his wife. Even though I do not always have a smile for him, I know I can come home to him and feel like that's where I belong.
I suppose I will start again. And I was doing well. My neighbor pointed out that my parents and family were not worth picking up the first drink. She is right. Could she have made this statement prior to the party? I know, I know hind sight is 20/20.
Let's give it another try. Thank you to everyone for the support. I truly enjoy your comments and apologize to you and myself for being so weak.
Enjoy the perfect summer weather.
Today I am grateful for MY HUSBAND, those three beautiful children, star wars, my really bad coffee, fantasy football (not for me), my Polish skin, and my family and friends who made for a great party yesterday. We missed you, Kate.
August 25, 2007
It is like a diet...
Can't I start again on Monday. You know...like a diet. My family is coming tomorrow for a b-day party for Anna and Jack, and I am unsure of the outcome. It is still calling my name and when I went to buy beer for the party, I swear it said, "just join us one more time." Someone please make them go away. How can it possibly be so hard not to want to drink. I can give up anything else (OK coffee might be a challenge, but they make alternatives.) To think of it, they make alternatives for cigarettes, but not for alcohol. Why can't I eat something that satisfies my craving?
Hard not to be bitchy today, and I am not sure why. I have smoked enough, drank enough coffee, resigned myself to the fact that the house will not ever be clean enough for my mother. Can it be the fact that I have not had a drink since Monday? I have, however, had some really good laughs this morning. I almost wet my pants while garage sale(ing) with my neighbor, and a bug attacked me in the car (which was hysterical)!!!!
Gratitude...for some reason it is not so easy today
washing machine, my sister, my neighbor, their pool, the sun, of course, and meetings (I am in need right now)
Hard not to be bitchy today, and I am not sure why. I have smoked enough, drank enough coffee, resigned myself to the fact that the house will not ever be clean enough for my mother. Can it be the fact that I have not had a drink since Monday? I have, however, had some really good laughs this morning. I almost wet my pants while garage sale(ing) with my neighbor, and a bug attacked me in the car (which was hysterical)!!!!
Gratitude...for some reason it is not so easy today
washing machine, my sister, my neighbor, their pool, the sun, of course, and meetings (I am in need right now)
August 24, 2007
Thanks to my iPod
Friday has arrived in the same usually fashion. It is a day of leisure in our household and it signals to me to say F**k it. I went for a run this morning and listened to Queen's "Under Pressure" at least three times. My other personal favorites to run to are the Go Gos "Vacation", Barenaked Ladies "Pinch me" and Kula Shaker's version of "Hush". Throw in a little Korn and I have myself a perfect 10K. When I got back to the house and walked in I found Jack, my baby, already awake. Now I know I should be grateful to see his devilish smile at 6:30 in the morning, but today I needed the last half hour of "my time." Kind words were not flowing from my mouth and now I regret it. I have since hugged and kissed him, but if only I could turn back time. Selflessness is something I need to work on.
Fortunately, I am busy for most of the day and will be able to keep my mind on other things. I can still hear the voices asking me to join them for a cocktail but I hope they enjoy one without me on this and every Friday to follow.
Right now I am grateful for my morning coffee and cigarette (breakfast of champions), the sun, those three beautiful children in my living room, the fact that Anna made pancakes for her sister and brother (love her), and my iPod. Cheers!
Fortunately, I am busy for most of the day and will be able to keep my mind on other things. I can still hear the voices asking me to join them for a cocktail but I hope they enjoy one without me on this and every Friday to follow.
Right now I am grateful for my morning coffee and cigarette (breakfast of champions), the sun, those three beautiful children in my living room, the fact that Anna made pancakes for her sister and brother (love her), and my iPod. Cheers!
August 23, 2007
There it is!!!!
So, the sun finally came out and it put a great big smile on my face. The kids found a cicada, played at the playground, and are decorating their clubhouse. These are the days...
Right now I am grateful for the sun, my very dirty children, my friends who help to distract me, the promise of fall and apple picking season, and the fact that Brueggers does not serve beer just very bad coffee.
Right now I am grateful for the sun, my very dirty children, my friends who help to distract me, the promise of fall and apple picking season, and the fact that Brueggers does not serve beer just very bad coffee.
Tomorrow is Friday and the hardest day of the week for me to say no. I am already dreading the day and it is hours away. Going to sleep tonight will be a bitch. Our neighborhood as instituted Margarita Friday (I was the founder, of course). This was just a way to make me feel as though it was OK to be trashed when my husband got home at 5pm. tick, tick, tick
This weather is not helping a bit. I hate to complain and I know a negative attitude will get me nowhere, but good God it is August. Sixty-five degrees is just unacceptable. I need to see the sun.
This weather is not helping a bit. I hate to complain and I know a negative attitude will get me nowhere, but good God it is August. Sixty-five degrees is just unacceptable. I need to see the sun.
August 22, 2007
I realized today that I am a living a Lifetime movie
Today is my second sober day in a very long while. I am proud of myself and know I should be. Although I have eaten my weight in Goldfish, I have not had a morning, afternoon or before dinner V and T. I am hoping I can stay strong through the evening and get my ass to an AA meeting. I tried to quit smoking this a.m., but I now realize that I need to kick one addiction at a time. I have, although, only smoked four today (compared to 15 by this time on a normal day).
I am not sure I am buying the whole AA thing. I will however admit that it has been the only thing that has prevented me from drinking the past two days. When I set myself up to go I do not want to show up drunk or hung. I am sure I will understand it all someday, or maybe not.
This morning I realized that I am living Lifetime movie. I am the drunk mom that everyone avoids because I smell like vodka. I had an epiphany and now attend meetings and pray every day that I can face it without alcohol. The scariest part of my day is when I go bed. I am scared to death to wake up with the feeling that I want a drink. It has kept me up until 2 or 3 a.m. This is like no other fear I have had before. Willpower was never an issue. Where did it go?
I am not sure I am buying the whole AA thing. I will however admit that it has been the only thing that has prevented me from drinking the past two days. When I set myself up to go I do not want to show up drunk or hung. I am sure I will understand it all someday, or maybe not.
This morning I realized that I am living Lifetime movie. I am the drunk mom that everyone avoids because I smell like vodka. I had an epiphany and now attend meetings and pray every day that I can face it without alcohol. The scariest part of my day is when I go bed. I am scared to death to wake up with the feeling that I want a drink. It has kept me up until 2 or 3 a.m. This is like no other fear I have had before. Willpower was never an issue. Where did it go?
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